Friday, July 18, 2008

In The Hole

Nothing fascinates men more than trying to get a small thing into a small hole, other than getting a bigger thing into a small hole. We have been consumed with this since the beginning of time.

150 men will be attempting to get their balls in the holes in fewer strokes than their fellow competitors for 4 days this week at Royal Birkdale in Southport England in the hopes of winning the 137th Open Championship.

If you are uninterested in golf, golf bores the tits off you, or you are fed up with my blogs, link away now, http://www.naughtyallie.com/1/updates/golf233.htm.

The Open is the original golf championship and the only of 4 majors to be held outside of the Unites States. Unlike America, there will be no spectators shouting ‘IN THE HOLE’ as the ball rolls toward the hole, unless it is an American. UK and Irish crowds are renowned for their spectator etiquette, and their golf knowledge.

No one has ever screamed ‘in the hole’, as my mine rolls toward the hole. I had a girlfriend who often screamed, ‘wrong hole’, during alcohol fuelled nights of trying to put her away. I am terrible in the dark when I am pissed. Luckily I have never played the wrong golf hole.

Golf can become a compelling addiction for some. It can consume hours of study, tuition and practice principally due to a seemingly large and somewhat complex number of variables: stance, weight distribution, grip, swing plane, swing speed, driving, irons, pitching, chipping, lobbing, bunker play, putting, clubs, ball, course type and layout, weather... Just to name a few.

If you take this rather academic approach to golf, you are a propeller head and are bound do more gardening on the course than golfing. Golf is not for nerds. Anyway, nerds tend to lick their balls, which is repulsive to witness.

Others look at golf as a Zen sport and play the inner game. In ‘Golf in the Kingdom’ by Michael Murphy, the biggest selling golf book of all time, you are encouraged to take a philosophically mystical approach to finding your ‘true gravity, inner body, and the next manifesting plane’. I am dizzy just typing this.

Chevy Chase as Ty Webb in the film Caddyshack summed up the best philosophical golf mantra for students of the game: ‘Just be the ball, be the ball, be the ball. You're not being the ball Danny.’

The best results in golf are yielded from doing what comes naturally to you, without the noise and confusion of the copious information that is available. Most bipeds golf just fine using their natural swings, after a couple of starter lessons, and a bit of practice, as longs as they do not have expectations of playing like Tiger Woods.

Just grip it and rip it. Unless you have no hand eye coordination, in which case, this technique can be applied to male masturbation, regardless of gripping gender.

While I can get it in most holes in par, it is rare I do it during the same round. I have yet to get it in the hole in 1.

Beaverboosh

17 comments:

livingladolcevita said...

Golf. Why does it sound like something gollum would say on the way to Mordor? Or like a cat hawking up a furball?

Ag. Just because I don't get it, doesn't mean I can't stand on the side lines and say 'whooo hooo'. Drinks on the 18th, right?

daisyfae said...

"Just grip it and rip it."

ok. but he yelped a bit last time. guess he's not in touch with his inner golver... big baby...

Joanne said...

I seriously do not get this game! It is of course huge here in SA. My friends are over there at the moment and he mentioned that he would be at this golf event, thank God I read this post so now I can look remotely interested when they get back next week.

Speedcat Hollydale said...

This post rocks!!!!!!!!

I love golf with a passion, but rarely am very "serious" about anything. Thanks for the laugh :-)

Never again will I hear "grip it and rip it" quite the same ....

Eric from "Speedcat Hollydale" http://speedcathollydale.blogspot.com

nursemyra said...

got any links to naked MALE golfers?

Zhu said...

Agreed with Nursemyra!

Otherwise, golf is... well, boring.

OSLO said...

I can't believe someone posted a comment with the words 'passion' and 'golf' in the same sentence-is that legal??? Er, proud that an Irishman won the British Open again though :-)

Johnada said...

What you don't like it when people yell, "In the hole"? It always works.

Shantanu said...

I have never quite understood why golf is so popular. Men with the smallest balls? :)

beaverboosh said...

livingladolcevita – 15th century Scottish word, gouf – the sound from hitting oneself senselessly with a big stick. 19th hole is the drinking hole, see ya there!

df – sounds like he is touch with his inner woos!

joanne – let them know you were impressed with how well Harrington was drawing the ball into the greens on his approach shots for makeable birdies and eagles, especially in the windy links conditions. Ask them if he was using a driver with a 6 or 7 degree loft as it looked is as if he was punching them low

speedcat hollydale – welcome! You me both pal

nm – all golfers are naked on the course, it is a very special game

zhu – gold is masochistic but rarely boring… certainly not the most entertaining spectator sport unless you are a golfer or a masochist

oslo – two of my favy words. Golfing is almost as good as good sex. Well done Padraig, sensational last round and first European to win back to back Opens since Braid in 1906

johnada – it is an irrational exuberance, better suited to watching porn or possibly caving

shantanu - it gets you out of the house for 4 to 5 hours. I couldn’t stand my last live in girlfriend… played golf both days every weekend and got proficient! Accidental golfer eh!

kyknoord said...

The problem with golf is that whenever I have a club in my hand, I'm always tempted to do other things with it, rather than play the game.

Michele said...

Funny blog! And with nudity---well done! Caddyshack is one of my all-time favorite movies, but mostly for the Baby Ruth scene... I have a vicious temper; will golf help with that?

beaverboosh said...

kyknoord - problem or opportunity? Brenda Cepelak managed to do some handy body work on Nick Faldo's porsche with a 9 iron. Nice...

michele - yeah, not the same effect dropping a Firkløver in the pool, even if it has nuts! In the long term, golf can help! Have you tried medication?

Anonymous said...

Carts Make Me Fat .... Speedcat [via Cell Phone]

RennyBA said...

To me golf is more like a social play and as a network evangelist, I just love it. Beside: I guess golf is the only way a gentleman can say to a woman: 'Watch my ball!'

Thanks for the offer to play with you in Oslo - I'll keep it in mind!

thegnukid said...

okay, so you never 'played the wrong hole' in the dark, but did you ever play on someone else's course? just wondering...

beaverboosh said...

speedcat - it is terrible that carts make you fart... politics make me fart... try bagging it or maybe a caddie

rennyba - my god you've only one testicle?

the gnukid - unfortunately, I have... alcohol has always been involved... not like that is any excuse... Thankfully, I cannot recall having played anyone else's horse though!