What Have You Been Smoking?

The English have gone mad. They are smoking skunk! Apparently, smoking skunk turns one catatonic and can lead to permanent psychosis! My eyes water just thinking of the smell.

Our little Mephitidae friends are found in Canada and the US but are not natural habitants of the UK. The Brits must be importing them. I thought badgers would have been the first choice as they are in great abundance in the UK. Badger arse hair is the preferred shaving brush implement of the gentry which might put people off smoking them.

Peppy LePew, if you are reading this, run for fear this trend grips France.

The next thing you know, Canadians will be smoking beaver.

Oddly enough, Amy Winehouse is keen on smoking crack! I assume it is her own she is smoking and not someone else’s. I have not heard of this technique but surely a waxing would be more effective than smoking her kipper if hair removal is the objective, especially if she is using woodchips. What a mess!

I had a South African colleague who often asked, “are you smoking your socks?” This was usually the result of one of my extreme project work demands like, "can you climb to the top of Mt. Everest without oxygen, clean up the rubbish, and be back down by 4 to pick up my dry cleaning?"

I treasure my cashmere socks and weep inconsolably when a hole appears, I could not think of smoking them! I do not know if there is a long tradition of smoking one’s socks in South Africa. It most certainly explains why there were so many sock-less spaced out people walking around Johannesburg the last time I visited.

I worked with an American in London who would often say to me, “put that in your pipe and smoke it!” I thought this particularly strange as I don’t smoke a pipe. Another of his favourite announcements was, “run that up your flagpole!” I mean really, who has a flagpole in London bar the Queen.

To avert the smoking ban, Hookah cafés starting popping up in the US citing exclusions on both religious and cultural grounds. Smoking fruit flavoured tobacco in the shisha has become popular. Americans are crazy enough without this weed concoction affecting their judgement. The Arabs have been smoking the stuff for over 3000 years and look what it’s done to them!

Let us be hopeful that maybe it will bring the 2 cultures a bit closer together.

Following the smoking ban in France, critics argued of the impending cultural peril of their precious café culture. I cannot take the French seriously, except on matters of wine, cheese, and infidelity. The thought of French cafés filled with the din of intellectually bankrupt idealism, flailing gesticulations, pouting lower lips, and inferior espresso sans Gitanes makes me giggle.

The public smoking ban is being implemented in many countries and though I know this is for the good of mankind, it has taken away from public sights, one of my small indulgences. To Beaverboosh, a cheeky Marly light with a stiff cocktail is almost like good sex, with myself of course.

Thank the gods, I can still smoke on the roof top terrace of my London club. It is a long way from Oslo to go for a martini and a cigarette, but well worth it, and its décor reminds me of being in Marrakech, except in the winter when it is cold and wet when it reminds me of being in, uhm England.

I wonder if they have started smoking skunk in Soho. I doubt it. I cannot believe the Soho sophisti-cats would stoop to such suburban practices.

Beaverboosh