Friday, April 25, 2008

Eat Me

The world is coming to an end.

Terrorists are trying to blow us up and eradicate our kind. Global warming is going to either drown or toast us. Banks are refusing to lend us money. Soon we will no longer be able to afford to buy gas. Now there is a global food shortage and we may all starve. At minimum, it will cost an arm and a leg to eat.

This is great news for habitual dieters. Forget about Atkins, South Beach and Blood Type diets. Unaffordable food is a sure fire method of reducing caloric and fat intake. Celebrities are dropping the Cocaine and Marly diet in anticipation of this new fad.

I pine for the days of old when it was much easier to survive: swarming locusts; marauding barbarians; the plague; and consumption. Life was so much simpler back then.

It seems that we are so keen to be green that we have started burning half of our crops to fuel engines instead of using oil. The US government has generously incentivised this practice to thwart the Arabs. Let alone is it a significant contributor to the food shortage, it is reported to be worse for the environment than fossil fuels.


A combination of the reduction of arable land and fat bastards in the West who can eat the own body weight in a week have tipped the demand scales into a supply shortage.

If the crisis reaches fever pitch, I am willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my love. I will suggest to Mrs. BB that in the event of anarchy, she eats me to survive. I trawl the internet for recipe ideas and prepare to make a number of marinades in advance. I make a note to stock up on skewers and charcoal and to pre-book a butcher.

Over a fine dinner starting with scallops and boudin noir in drizzled warm maple syrup accompanied by a 02 Puligny Montrachet followed by pan braised elk served rare on a pillow of whipped yams with a porcini and shallot red wine jus and an 82 Latour and concluding with a warm chocolate fondant with raspberry coulis a 98 Valpolicella and a wafer thin mint, the conversation inevitably strays to the global food shortage.

I ask my love what we will do in the event of a crisis. My emotions are swelling as I prepare to communicate to her my ultimate sacrificial pledge, recipe book in tow replete with helpful ideas and tips.

‘Darling, don’t worry’ Mrs BB whispers gently in a comforting tone, ‘if worse comes to worse you can convert all of the land you bought in Iowa for bio fuels and we can grow our own crops instead. No one is going starve sweet heart.’

I grow silent in slight embarrassment. She is right. I am saved. I keep mum and shelve my plans.

Mrs. BB has the beauty of a goddess, the brains of a rocket scientist, and the patience of a saint... and she loves my cooking. I love her sooo much! I love her more than chocolate!

I prepare the larder for a 2 ton delivery of sawdust. It makes a mean baking loaf and is gluten free.



Anonymous said...

This is frightening news indeed. I'm going to have to stop saying "Bite me!" in case other people out there aren't as switched-on as your missus.

Johnada said...

Did you see that Sam's Club and Costco in America have limited their customers to buying only a couple 20 lb bags of rice per visit? Americans are always willing to sacrifice for the rest of the world.

You have land in Iowa? Did you buy it on the internet?

Anonymous said...

That's a scary thought... Eat well, my friend, while you can! :-)

Anonymous said...

I think I'm just going to eat my red pill, how much worse could it be?

Qelqoth said...

"Now there is a global food shortage and we may all starve. At minimum, it will cost an arm and a leg to eat."

This is why I love eating human flesh. It tastes like chicken and it helps over population. Sure, the neighbours look at me funny but deep down, they know I'm giving something back to the community. :)

ian in hamburg said...

I also pine for the old days when all we had to worry about was being incinerated in an accidental global thermonuclear inferno.

Whoops, that could still happen...

Anonymous said...

The magic excesses of the US economy - where we can eat until we are enormous, then get health insurance to pay for us to have gastric bypass. No wonder our economy is in the shitter...

beaverboosh said...

kyknoord - too right brother, a "Lick Me!" should suffice until conditions change

johnada – very considerate indeed! I buy most things on the internet, except badgers and latex gloves

shantanu – and you amice. Hope you get a reservation at French Laundry, it may be your last supper, but will certainly be one of the best

anonymous – welcome. Is that rhetorical question?

qelqoth – you are clearly an early adopter! Brilliant it is organic and aids the environment. In the future people will look back at you and say, ‘he was an early adopter’. Eat the neighbours

ian – too right, it is more than likely going to be caused by eating all of this organic food, causing a chain reaction when 6B people pass wind simultaneously, which is sparked by a 1C change in anal surface temperatures

daisyfae – progress eh, the Romans could not master gastric bypasses. God Bless America!

Uncle Keith said...

As long as I have neighbors, I'll never starve.

Zhu said...

I'm used to be scared. After all, I live on the same continent as Larry King and CNN.

I miss worrying about year 2000 and computer bugs, about rap music and soft drugs. I do. The 90s were best.

Mjohnson said...

Perhaps the answear is to make a selection of flavourings that taste nice with biofuel then market biofuel smoothies.

AB said...

I think it shows real commitment to encourage your loved one to eat you in a time of crisis. If we're ever trapped somewhere, I request permission to eat you so that I can survive. Thanks.

beaverboosh said...

zhu - too right, I would be worried with neighbours like that! Rap and soft drugs eh, oh the 90s!

mjohnson - welcome! Top idea, I will work on it immediately. Biofuel and mango surprise perhaps?

ab - welcome! I don't know you well enough to give you permission to eat me in a crisis. In a pinch, you could lick me!

Michele said...

Mrs. BB is obviously quite extraordinary, very well fed, and deeply loved. Mr. BB is lucky indeed, and right to consider such a selfless sacrifice. It is the least a man can do for his wife. I have printed out this post and slipped a copy into my husband's cereal box. I'm certain he will thank you.

beaverboosh said...

michele - I doubt he will thank me. It is more than likely he will choke on the post. Be prepared with the Heimlich maneuver!