Saturday, October 20, 2007

Aliens Attack Oslo

Giardia parasites have invaded the Oslo water supply this week. The authorities announced on Tuesday that tap water was undrinkable and must be boiled for four minutes to destroy the fiends. Needless to say, the shop shelves were emptied of bottled water quicker than American beer turns to piss... and there was a run on kettles!

The crisis began to affect those near and dear to me. My English friend Brigg complained of having had the rumbling belly squirts of fecal evacuation. Normally he suffers from verbal diarrhea. This divine karmic intervention put a smile on my face, I love it when the there is balance in the universe. I often wondered why doctors had not invented a sort of Imodium for verbal diarrhea. You could slip it in your colleague’s coffee and Robert is very much your mother's brother. Of course, they could extend the product for blogger's diarrhea but then where would we be, eh!

I digress.

London tap water, which has passed through at least 17 other kidneys before it reaches yours, tastes better than Oslo boiled tap water, a product I doubt will compete on the international bottled water market as well as Voss. I mean Oslo boiled tap water - it sounds shite doesn't it!

The water supply might be "out of order" until Christmas. No one really knows or cares.

In the UK, there would be public enquiries, sackings and floggings and the army would be charged with driving tankers of fresh water cross country to meet the crisis. In Norway, the authorities, who knew of the crisis on Friday four days in advance of the announcement, went away for the weekend to their hyttas, possibly to ponder the problem, but more likely to fish. In Canada, we would revert to drinking and brushing our teeth with beer, likely Moosehead, which in fact passes through domestic taps as a water substitute in many Canadian homes.

What's worse is that everyone in Oslo received the information at the same time, a tenet of this social democracy where no one can be better off than another. Needless to say the hospitals were outraged after a few old codgers popped off as a result of the belly barnacles. No one much noticed. If it had of been school children the country would have gone to defcon 7 and scrambled fighter jets to seek and destroy the uninvited invaders. Norwegian children are a national treasure, and probably the cutest kids on the planet!

Lord have mercy if Oslo ever has to mobilise against an attack by aliens!


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