Saturday, November 3, 2007

Global Wanking Crisis Continues

Beaverboosh is always being asked about his views on current events that impact all of our lives. Many of you will have spent the last few months on the edge of your seats wondering whether the global wanking crisis will affect you. I believe this most excellent article from this month’s issue of the highly respected publication The Wanker gets a firm grasp on global wanking issues that could be a blow to many.


Global Wanking Crisis Continues

Wankers all around the world are still reeling from this summer’s big squeeze which resulted in a severe liquidity shortage. This week saw further resignations from high profile wankers in the US because of poor performance. The problem started in the sub-prime wanking sector in America and quickly spread across the world. America is home to the world’s largest number of wankers.

A leading global wanker believes we are only beginning to see the outcome of the crisis, “The past 5 years has seen the market awash with liquidity for which global wankers can take responsibility for having created both the huge appetite and the subsequent mess. This appears to have dried up overnight as a result of the squeeze.”

The squeeze has been at the top of central wanker’s agendas for months. In the summer, the US and European central wanks pumped liquidity into the market to ease the strain on wanks. Central wankers in the UK appeared to have “egg on their faces” as their failure to pump liquidity into the market backfired, leaving a high street wank in danger. The central wank pointed the finger at the wanking regulator and European wanking legislation for the cock-up. An industry watchdog said “it is a simple case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing”, and is demanding a parliamentary enquiry.

In some countries like Canada, wankers are less exposed to the crisis as they have been historically more cautious of many American wanking practices, particularly those using instruments to achieve a high degree of leverage and illiquidity.

A leading Norwegian wanker went on record last week stating that there is no serious threat to liquidity in Norway and that wanking is safe, “it is unlikely we will see the same panic as in the UK where people were queuing at wanks creating further strains on deposits.”

The crisis is not likely to impact China as wanking is in its infancy, though it has grown rapidly as a result of industrial stimulation and a tight central wank policy. The World Wank believes that wanking is about to explode in China which is forecasting the largest wanking population on the planet by 2010, overtaking America.

No one really knows what the future of wanking holds as a result of the pressure. A US Fed governor put it with admirable honesty, “In formal terms, we don’t know where wanking has been, where it is now, or where it is going!”

Copyright © The Wanker 2007. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.


Karla said...

har har har har!!!!!



....and other text speak.

Jonny said...

I stopped wanking coz the Americans didn't accept my "deposits" any more :-) They were afraid of the "mad cow disease" they told me... LOL!

GB said...

Okay, it's a fair cop, I honestly did laugh out loud when I read this article :-). GB xxx said...

oh hahah, thats just great :) it really does put the whole thing in perspective

ian in hamburg said...

I don't know why, but this post just popped into my RSS reader. A wank from the past! How refreshing.

Investors in the white gold are gushing with enthusiasm as they speculate that tensions in the wanking world will soon be relieved in one stroke by seed money from previously untapped sources. I'm investing in Kleenex futures.