Friday, April 18, 2008

Extreme Makeover: Office Edition

I cannot see the tranquil view of the fjord through the piles of papers on my desk. They spread throughout my office reaching epidemic proportions. The door to my office squeaks like the loo door on a sea trawler as endless traffic parades through. Bar my all star delivery bitches, most visitors are unwelcome time wasters that bore me and keep me from mission critical tasks such as online shopping and blogging.

Something must be done. I believe an extreme office makeover is the answer. I desire a balanced design that puts me in better harmony with an environment in which I spend much too much time.

I consider my requirements. I wish my office to have the ambiance of a boutique hotel, a Philippe Starck design perhaps. A restaurant serving fresh fusion food, a bar with a world class mixologist, a gym and yoga studio, and a health pod offering a range of spa treatments and medical advice. Oh yes, and a ballroom as I wish to learn to ballroom dance in my spare time.

This will be a great challenge to fit in to 30 square metres and on a budget of 2,000 USD. I tender the project to 3 capable firms with solid track records.

The Feng Shui man inspects the space and walks me through his proposal. Nothing too radical, just a rearrangement of the deck chairs. He points out that we must change the location of the door. It opens up to an area housing my all star delivery bitches. The negative yin coming through the open door is not good for me and will give me a stroke. Next to the view of the fjord, this is a favourite area to train my eyes on. I thank him and show him out of an imaginary door that drops 7 stories.

The German design team do not show up in the flesh choosing to video conference. They speak in Teutonic tongues and frankly I haven’t a clue what they are trying to communicate to me other than it involves concrete and steel and requires me to dress in tight leather and cotton t-shirts. I fake my own death during the video conference, something I am told is frightful to witness but gives me the giggles.

The Management Consultants send a young bid team with a very sexy presentation. They are less concerned with aesthetics and focus on productivity. They break the news to me bluntly that my requirements exceed the scope of my budget and recommend a 5 point plan, adding that if we can achieve 3, we will have succeeded:

1) A clean desk policy with an aggressive shredding programme
2) A drawer in my desk containing a wet bar and snacks
3) A list of telephone numbers for asian fusion and sushi delivery
4) A yoga mat
5) A large battery powered vibrating massage device.

They are sharp and focused if not a little aggressive. The hair on the back of my neck is up. I like the cut of their jibs. I try to catch them out and query them on proposals for reducing the volume of visitor traffic.

This is the pièce de résistance. They can hardly contain themselves and crack wry smiles. They advise planting anti-personnel devices just inside the door of my office. 3D glasses providing a secure rumba path through will be offered to my all star delivery bitches and welcome visitors. All unauthorised traffic will get the message pretty quickly.


In preparation for the changes I enrol in rumba lessons and ready my fingers for more activities of the online variety.

In confidence, the large battery powered vibrating massage device frightens me, though it is kind of exciting.



Anonymous said...

I think you made the right choice. I went through a similar exercise last year, but unfortunately, I had to fire the remodellers when it turned out they'd misread the number of zeroes in the budget and tried to redefine the project scope with a can of lighter fluid and a box of matches.

itelli said...

At least u have a door... I got no door (open plan, of course), no windows (i did say "open plan", didn't I?), no desk phone, and no mobile reception. But that's because I work in a dungeon...

Oh wait: I got internet!! Quel bonheur...

Anonymous said...

Pining for the fjords, eh?

Anonymous said...

the mines might be a bit counter productive after awhile... two or three unwelcome guests and your office is blown to shit.

i prefer active countermeasures - see if this doesn't solve your problem. Added bonus? it can double as a means to reheat your coffee....

beaverboosh said...

kyknoord - whoa, a real burning platform!

itelli - cool...are you the dungeon master?

azahar - my saga continues...

daisyfae - thanks for the rec but I will wait until they develop the death ray. Maybe I can tune it to excite water molecules to 200F?

Anonymous said...

Perhaps you need to take a different approach. Instead of re-designing your office why not design a ballroom dance studio (albeit small one) and then mesh a minimalist work space into that. Let your un-developed inner passion guide the transformation.

For inspiration pick up Flash Dance, Footloose and Dirty Dancing then wash that all down with Roadhouse and a sixer of Brador!

Oh and a minimalist work space is easy to create but requres precision of restraint to execute. They key is to reduce places to put "stuff"

So a smoked glass table (no drawers), your deck, one phone, one "nice" pen, one Moleskine note book and yer good to go!

Lesley said...

Have you noticed that at the end of all of those extreme makeover programmes, the people have to be extremely made-over too so that they fit into their swish surroundings? Grey skin glows with orange foundation, straggly yellow hair turns ash blonde and puffs outward and upwards, and tired eyes are given the sparkle treatment. Maybe you just need a hiarcut, not an extreme office makeover.

Zhu said...

(Canadian humor)

What you need is a Staple store near you. Staple -- that was EASY!

(End of my shitty Canadian humor)

Gary said...

Dude, yer KILLIN' me over here! Thanks for the laugh. And, by the way, living in Hong Kong I've come to learn that "Feng Shui" doesn't mean "Wind Water" at all. It means "Wow, I can put my kids through college doing THIS??!?!?? FANTASTIC!"

BE the office space, bro.

beaverboosh said...

anonymous – welcome and many thanks for that comprehensive guidance, though my Y chromo composition prevents me from watching any of the films you have recommended, it is like tissue rejection. That is of course unless mrs bb is ’up for it’. Oh and I cannot get Brador here. How about the the Bridge on the River Kwai , Dirty Dozen, Kelly’s Heroes, Apocolypse Now, and 12 cans of Åas?

lesley – welcome. You’re just haivering (probably the only time I will use that word)! Sweets I will need alot more than a haircut...

zhu darling - unforunately, we don’t have Staple here – that was EASY.

gary – beware of the dragon’s backside! I pass alot of feng shui just sitting here blogging.

Michele said...

LOL Blogging perfection, as usual.

In all fairness, I believe the all-star bitches should have been consulted re: the office makeover. If they are anything like me, they would favor the German approach, as the sight of Mr. BB in leather and tight cotton t-shirts would make the workday just so much more interesting.

beaverboosh said...

michele - to be fair, I am told I appear very fetching in that sort of attire, but mainly by men.

itelli said...

No... just a hobbit

Anonymous said...

Ha ha! You are having fun at work, eh?