I am in London on business and find all of my running colleagues hitting me up for a contribution to their charities for the annual marathon. There is great excitement this year as 6 Maasai warriors are arriving from Tanzania to run the London Marathon on the 13th of April. They are alleged to be so fierce that they kill lions with their bare hands, good skills to have in the city.
The warriors have been given a special 4 page guide on how to deal with the English with a special focus on, as the Telegraph describes it, ‘the most curmudgeonly species they may ever encounter: the English office worker.’
Quoting the guide, ‘You may be surprised by the number of people that are rushing around everywhere. Even though some may look like they have a frown on their face they are very friendly people – many of them just work in offices, jobs they don’t enjoy, and so they do not smile as much as they should.’
As one who ‘just works in offices’ and generally enjoys my job, I would agree with the Telegraph. I found many of the frowning people in offices in England to be absolute cunts. But not everyone has done the extensive anthropological field research that I have, mainly in pubs near offices.
Let us examine this pithy pocket pathfinder further shall we.
‘You will see many people in England who are wearing only small clothes and you will wonder why they are cold and may think this is disrespectful. This is normal for England…’ This is a valuable piece of advice for the Maasai, especially if they choose to go clubbing in the North of England. Regardless of the season, most girls exhibit in a slip with headlights on high beams. Knickers are optional as they usually will not be required within an hour.
The guide goes on to point out, ‘However, it is illegal to show certain parts of the body and for this reason, it is important the Maasai wear their underpants when wearing their blankets.’ Clearly the authors of this guide have no experience in any major English city when at the stroke of midnight most men turn into walking genitalia while princesses turn into slags.
The guide offers a questionable view on drinking. ‘Many people drink alcohol in England. They do so at pubs and clubs, the equivalent of a Maasai party. When people drink, they seem sillier or different.’ Everyone in England drinks, and drinks frequently. Alcoholism is a social institution. When people are sober, they often seem much sillier and different than when you have had a drink and it all makes sense.
I have decided to make a generous pledge to a few of my frowning banking colleagues running the marathon. The deal comes with a performance clause - they must survive the marathon.
To fund this generous pledge I have set up a spreadbetting index and am taking positions.
I have hedged with the Maasai who will be running the marathon dressed in full battle regalia. They will be in the money if they track down the bankers and execute them in any traditional manner they choose. The guide mentions nothing of this and I assure the Maasai they will be doing England a great favour.
The spread is tight but I am already counting my chickens.