I Predict

More banks will fail, it must be Monday. This was my first thought as I awoke Monday morning.

It is amazing! Over the past few weeks, I have gained superhuman powers.

I can predict the future!

My track record has been perfect. In the last couple of weeks I predicted:

• Banks would go bankrupt or be nationalised
• Stock markets would go down
• Government intravention would do little to help
• George W. Bush television appearances would move my bowels.

With my new found superhuman talent, I offer my Top 5 predictions for the future:

1. America will become a socialist state... until the next boom when they will become capitalists again. This cycle will repeat itself for the rest of history, capitalists on the upside and socialists on the downside. No one wants big problems. It is convenient when they are taken away by someone else in times of crisis.

2. Obesity will be resigned to history... with consumers unable to borrow far beyond their means, high food prices and mass unemployment, the availability and consumption of food will reduce to levels not seen since the 18th century. The Credit Crunch Diet will prove the most effective in history, though the least popular.

3. Global warming will stop and a new ice age will begin... with the reduction in oil consumption and fossil fuels, and the mass shedding of human flesh through forced dieting, temperatures will plunge us into a new ice age. In order to keep warm, body hair will replace wallet or penis size as the principal attribute women will seek out in a male partner.

4. Obama will become President... with all of the media focus on the financial meltdown, no one will pay much attention to the election. Few will vote for the Republicans who will be blamed for this mess for a long time. Following Obama’s election, the markets will have a happiness bounce. He will deliver a weekly speech to the nation from his porch rocking chair, and we will all feel good. Really good.

5. Love will be the preferred tool for growth in the new era... most people in the western world and modern economies will use love instead of greed to achieve economic growth. This will further piss off Germany and Russia, neither of whom understand capitalism or love. Al Qadea will dramatically change its strategy and adopt new tactics by training terrorists in market speculation, hedge and shorting instead of using explosives.

I am now working on Time Travel. I am off to see a man about some horses and a carriage.

If the markets can unravel themselves back to 19th century lows, I will need this.

Beaverboosh