Friday, October 10, 2008

I Predict

More banks will fail, it must be Monday. This was my first thought as I awoke Monday morning.

It is amazing! Over the past few weeks, I have gained superhuman powers.

I can predict the future!

My track record has been perfect. In the last couple of weeks I predicted:
  • Banks would go bankrupt or be nationalised
  • Stock markets would go down
  • Government intravention would do little to help
  • George W. Bush television appearances would move my bowels.
With my new found superhuman talent, I offer my Top 5 predictions for the future:

1. America will become a socialist state... until the next boom when they will become capitalists again. This cycle will repeat itself for the rest of history, capitalists on the upside and socialists on the downside. No one wants big problems. It is convenient when they are taken away by someone else in times of crisis.

2. Obesity will be resigned to history... with consumers unable to borrow far beyond their means, high food prices and mass unemployment, the availability and consumption of food will reduce to levels not seen since the 18th century. The Credit Crunch Diet will prove the most effective in history, though the least popular.

3. Global warming will stop and a new ice age will begin... with the reduction in oil consumption and fossil fuels, and the mass shedding of human flesh through forced dieting, temperatures will plunge us into a new ice age. In order to keep warm, body hair will replace wallet or penis size as the principal attribute women will seek out in a male partner.

4. Obama will become President... with all of the media focus on the financial meltdown, no one will pay much attention to the election. Few will vote for the Republicans who will be blamed for this mess for a long time. Following Obama’s election, the markets will have a happiness bounce. He will deliver a weekly speech to the nation from his porch rocking chair, and we will all feel good. Really good.

5. Love will be the preferred tool for growth in the new era... most people in the western world and modern economies will use love instead of greed to achieve economic growth. This will further piss off Germany and Russia, neither of whom understand capitalism or love. Al Qadea will dramatically change its strategy and adopt new tactics by training terrorists in market speculation, hedge and shorting instead of using explosives.

I am now working on Time Travel. I am off to see a man about some horses and a carriage.

If the markets can unravel themselves back to 19th century lows, I will need this.

Beaverboosh

12 comments:

kyknoord said...

Could you tell me whether it's going to rain on Sunday? I need to know whether it's worthwhile washing my car or not.

daisyfae said...

cosmic consciousness lives! your mystical third eye sees all... so. what am i wearing?

beaverboosh said...

kyk - sunny 17-19 moderate breeze on sat, partly cloudy and 15-17 on sun, its ok to wash the car

df - absolutely stark bollers... whoa... nice baps... btw, my thid eye is in my penis...

nursemyra said...

I already prefer men with body hair......

Jonny said...

Dude! You are truly clairvoyant, and should make it your business! Norwegian politicians will keep you busy... you will be master of all the puppets and the most powerful man in Norway!

Speedcat Hollydale said...

I have a time travel machine that the aliens gave me ... stop in sometime and give her a go.
It's on the front porch!

I like the business "love" thing. Very 70's (ha haaa!!!!!!!)

SpeedyCat

Zhu said...

I think we are safe in Canada for the dreaded Monday morning money loss. It's Thanksgiving. No bank will be open.

Phew.

livingladolcevita said...

All hail BooschSeer. Now, tell me where I put my heart shaped bracelet, and I won't poke you in the third eye.

beaverboosh said...

nm - you will have more competition in this new era!

jonny - janteløven pal... no one pays attention to power...

speedcat - booking a ticket, let's travel back to the 70s and bring all of the love back to the future...

zhu - Oh Canada, always safe, thank goodness

dolce - it is in the place you last removed it, x

Gary said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Dude- I'm chucking out the Magic 8 Ball and relying solely on your for all of my prognostications from now on. First up- Will the penis pump I bought EVER work to make me the man the advertisement said that I could be?!?!?

Qelqoth said...

I predict that upon being elected president, Mr. Barack Obama will replace the American national anthem with some egotistical hymn called, "Praise Be Unto Me."

Shantanu said...

We live in interesting times!