Friday, January 23, 2009

Difficult Times to Come

‘Wealthy men give women more orgasms’, was a lead article on the webpage of the Sunday Times this past weekend.

Scientists have discovered that women’s orgasm frequency increases with the size of their partner’s bank balance. Women with partners on the lower end of the socio-economic scale rarely or never orgasm.

I have always suspected this.

Science calls this ‘evolutionary adaptation’, that is to say, women are genetically hardwired to ruthlessly exploit men to ensure the best chances for survival of their genes. This is also known as the ‘gold-digger’ gene.

No wonder working class women are so fucking miserable.

The scientists go on to point out that they are not sure why women orgasm as it serves no reproductive purpose. This will be a surprise to many men that have no idea women have orgasms and are still not sure why women are allowed to drive.

Scientists speculate that what those orgasms are saying is ‘I'm extremely loyal, so you should invest in me and my children’. Barring the orgasm, this message is well understood by men, though many are suspect about women’s loyalty, believing that the first man to come along with a bigger wallet and a glint in his eye is likely to lead to ‘Hasta la vista looser’.

It was awkward enough last week listening to my hairdresser’s disappointment at receiving a small diamond ring from her man. He could not afford a big one. This new data sheds light on her disappointment.

Poor girl!

A simmering pot that rarely boils, a smouldering volcano that may not erupt, a deep itch that is difficult to scratch
... I digress.

As a man of science, I feel a duty to break this important scientific evidence to her. It could be critical to her future happiness.

I ponder the situation. This is a delicate matter better suited to nursemyra than my own Edwardian sensibilities.

I decide to do what any gentleman would do given the circumstances.


I can’t help but think that as the global recession tightens its grip, and men’s bulging accounts shrink, kept women around the world may find there are difficult times to come.


P.S. Size Matters Revisited

There were a couple of comments last week requesting photographic evidence of my hairdresser’s great tits. I mean really! I am a gentleman. What an utterly outrageous request.

I must admit, I briefly considered rifling through my extensive digital picture library of dirty young suburban bitches I have toiled, to fob one off. This of course was in my wild days before my celestial union with Mrs. BB.

In the end I felt I could not further besmirch any of the young trollops. I also gravely doubted I could deceive my lascivious inquisitors.

Instead, I had the boys at Beaverboosh Polymers knock up this model, a bust of remarkable likeness to my hairdresser, for the depraved of you. You know who you are.

Photo: © Ivan Shaw


Joanne said...

I hasten to add that the orgasms are possibly not 'bigger' just more enthusiastically rehearsed.

Anonymous said...

Flip. My man must be hiding MILLIONS!

(PS. Joanne...whahahahahaaha. Spot on!)

Anonymous said...

I had the most orgasms with a penniless artist.....

just as well they didn't interview me for that survey. I would have skewed their results big time :-)

Michele said...

Yes, well. Based on your last post, I would say the size of a man's wallet is not what is on the minds of most of the ladies here...

Did that article state whether women married to rich guys were actually having more orgasms WITH their rich husband? Or were they just having more orgasms? I sense a hole in the logic, so to speak.

kyknoord said...

Ah. This would go some way towards explaining why my ex-wife was so keen to clean out my bank account.

Anonymous said...

but what about women who are [ahem] "dating aggressively"? can we, er... um... they combine the assets of all of their gentlemen friends for more orgasms?

Leah said...

Kind of makes sense, if that is a If you aren't worrying, it is easier to relax...

Anonymous said...

for the record..(and purely in the interests of research) ..i recently "relaxed" verrrry well on a yacht in miami... so i could see this argument as having some sort of merit...

ian in hamburg said...

Is that neck spring-loaded? Can I order one for my dashboard?

Anonymous said...

Love the pun in the title. ;)

OSLO said...

'Wealthy men give women more orgasms' - how generous of them!

christina said...

Ahh, Beav, thanks for one last laugh before I go under the knife. Hey, maybe they'll take pity on me and I'll wake up looking like your hairdresser!

Anonymous said...

Aha! Genetically wired, that explains it. :)

beaverboosh said...

jo - i'll take your word for it

dolce - good actress as well eh

nm - there's always one to skew the results

michele - clearly. the consensus appears that women are great fakers

kyk - exactly. been there myself. cruel bitch

df - bend the rules to your advantage babe, you fuck 100 men that each make 100K and your likely to have your truffles grooved a few times

leah - wise words. you'll find Norway very relaxing...

suicide - flash chick you. I'm now off to buy a yacht...

ian - the neck and the breasts, i'll get one shipped asap

anon - i love the title in the pun

oslo - yeah, uncharacteristically

chris - best wishes! you're gorgeous as you are girl

shantanu - explains much eh!

Jonny said...

I assume that your hairdresser works at a very upmarket salon... and that she is by now an organized member of the Hot Skando Babes, right?