Picking Bottoms

US and European stock markets are plummeting to new historic lows. Markets have slammed through the lows of 2002, and are hovering around levels not seen since 1997.

Market pundits are engaged in the game of bottom picking to forecast when the rot will stop, though indicators used have now become mostly irrelevant.

The markets are in free fall!

They say the only thing you get from picking bottoms is stinky fingers (Ian knows much about this).

Many are shocked to the point of disgust with news about the economy, banks, markets and frauds and hope those responsible go directly to jail, do no pass go, and do not collect their bonuses.

This is likely how your grandparents felt following the Great Crash of 1929. The poor buggers had to endure a decade of high unemployment, no credit, no economic growth, and playing Monopoly just to remember what cash felt like!

Take heed!

If you are not a fan of history, or are too young to understand what life was like before the glut of consumer credit, here are a few pointers to help get you started in these troubled times:

1. Drink, all of the time – it soothes the senses and will put you in the right frame of mind for many of the things you are about to undertake. Drop the premium booze for paint thinner, mix with fresh urine to taste
2. Give your credit cards to a gypsy immigrant busking in town – call the bank and report them stolen. Refuse to pay the outstanding debt. It’s not your fault gypsies shop at Prada
3. Go shopping in your closet – start wearing all of those things you bought during the good times but have not worn. Consider your partner’s wardrobe fair game, you know you always wanted to try on that… thing
4. Steal your second car – make sure you dump it in the ocean or scorch it. The insurance money should cover the outstanding debt. Put a horse’s head in the back to confuse the authorities
5. Stop going to restaurants – too chi chi in tough times. Spam was invented for the credit crisis. Spam and eggs for brekky, pack a Spam sandwich for lunch, and sautee it with garden grass for dinner. If you have a pet, start the BBQ
6. Burn down your second property – make sure you use loads of fuel, leave nothing to chance. If you are handy with explosives, SEMTEX can be considered. Do a deal with the insurance company to hand the rebuild costs to the bank and default on the land mortgage
7. Take a second job – the market is rife for call girls and rent boys. It’s a great way to earn some extra (tax free) cash and get nailed at the same time. All you need is a mobile phone, an internet connection, and a Teflon sphincter. If this does not appeal to you personally, pimp your partner
8. Put your children to work – make the ungrateful little shits take a job at wetback wages. Factories and farms that employ illegal immigrants are always willing to take on child slave labour. It is good to learn the values of hard work at an early age. Charge for rent and board and sell their Xbox games on e-bay on the cheap for drinking money
9. Get into DIY – you might as well, you’ll probably be unemployed soon and have loads of time on your hands to bake bread, darn socks, fix your car, grow vegetables, grow pot… you can get your children to sell it in the school playground
10. Go to church – it is always popular at times of crisis. Make regular withdrawals from the ample collection plate instead of using your bank ATM. Don’t feel guilty about depriving the padre of his choice cuts of meat, golf games and foreign holidays.

For those of you in denial, and still seeking to fund your excessive lifestyle, you may wish to try your hand at or continue with the stock markets. There are bound to be many great deals at these prices.

You better be a good bottom picker though. You know what they say about picking bottoms...

Beaverboosh