Smoking, Masturbating and Urinating

President Obama this week revealed he has not quite kicked his smoking habit following his signature on new anti-smoking legislation.

I love Obama! He’s one of the coolest guys on the planet, he is very human, and he smokes! Whoa!

Americans have vindicated themselves after eight of the darkest years of their mostly proud history. They have voted in a true leader, and a black one with Irish heritage to boot. Not since the Kennedy’s have the Obama’s of County Limerick had so much to be proud of, to be sure.

Obama claimed that he is not a daily smoker, or a constant smoker. He doesn’t smoke at home, or in front of the kids, but he occasionally ‘falls of the wagon’. He is 95% cured though!

He is an inspiration. I have always worked on the 80/20 rule when it comes to life, especially on the topic of moderation, but he has shown me there is room for improvement. 95% eh!

I consult my life coach to see how I can improve my performance. I am excited as we discuss how I can make ME better. We focus on 3 prioriy areas for improvement.

1. Smoking - I too like a cheeky marly, especially with a cocktail. To be fair, I could stop smoking but I would have to stop drinking. If I stopped drinking, my rate of masturbation would likely spike creating all sorts of health dangers.

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must only have 10 tabs a month! Doable! I have only smoked a couple of times in past months but with great intensity. At my SiL’s wedding, I consumed almost 2 packs in one night. I think I was eating them whole by the end of the evening. That was the past!

2. Masturbating - Mrs. BB and I have a passionate and abundant love life, but I have the hormones of a 17 year old and I live in a city with some of the most beautiful and playful women in the world. Not that I am ever tempted to stray, I am one woman man, but it is convenient to pop off to the bog and knock one out occasionally, especially in the summer cafés after lots of drinking and smoking!

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must only apply the handbrake once a week! Man, this is a challenge. It 27C and the forecast is for sun, sun, sun. I might have to stay inside a bit more this summer and especially avoid the beaches.

3. Urinating - Like most boys, my aim is true, but terribly inaccurate. The collateral damage can be devastating, especially on the toilet seat and surrounds. Captain Winky has a mind of his own and squirts out in all manner of directions. I’ve never been known to talk out of both sides of my mouth, at the same time, but my Member of the House certainly has.

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must have a laser guidance device installed in my penis, you know like in those smart bombs. This will still be a tough performance target to hit. In the end, I decide on taking the box lunch at the Y approach and sit on the toilet to wee. Early trials are mixed. There are still a few misfires and I feel like a pansy, but I have reduced the swaying factor.

It is a breath of fresh air to find a leader who is inspiring, is alive, sets a great example for all, and is of my generation.

I just can’t believe how much Obama and I have in common. I guess many boys of our generation do.

Beaverboosh