Saturday, February 9, 2008

What Have You Been Smoking?

The English have gone mad. They are smoking skunk! Apparently, smoking skunk turns one catatonic and can lead to permanent psychosis! My eyes water just thinking of the smell.

Our little Mephitidae friends are found in Canada and the US but are not natural habitants of the UK. The Brits must be importing them. I thought badgers would have been the first choice as they are in great abundance in the UK. Badger arse hair is the preferred shaving brush implement of the gentry which might put people off smoking them.

Peppy LePew, if you are reading this, run for fear this trend grips France.

The next thing you know, Canadians will be smoking beaver.

Oddly enough, Amy Winehouse is keen on smoking crack! I assume it is her own she is smoking and not someone else’s. I have not heard of this technique but surely a waxing would be more effective than smoking her kipper if hair removal is the objective, especially if she is using woodchips. What a mess!

I had a South African colleague who often asked, “are you smoking your socks?” This was usually the result of one of my extreme project work demands like, "can you climb to the top of Mt. Everest without oxygen, clean up the rubbish, and be back down by 4 to pick up my dry cleaning?"

I treasure my cashmere socks and weep inconsolably when a hole appears, I could not think of smoking them! I do not know if there is a long tradition of smoking one’s socks in South Africa. It most certainly explains why there were so many sock-less spaced out people walking around Johannesburg the last time I visited.

I worked with an American in London who would often say to me, “put that in your pipe and smoke it!” I thought this particularly strange as I don’t smoke a pipe. Another of his favourite announcements was, “run that up your flagpole!” I mean really, who has a flagpole in London bar the Queen.

To avert the smoking ban, Hookah cafés starting popping up in the US citing exclusions on both religious and cultural grounds. Smoking fruit flavoured tobacco in the shisha has become popular. Americans are crazy enough without this weed concoction affecting their judgement. The Arabs have been smoking the stuff for over 3000 years and look what it’s done to them!

Let us be hopeful that maybe it will bring the 2 cultures a bit closer together.

Following the smoking ban in France, critics argued of the impending cultural peril of their precious café culture. I cannot take the French seriously, except on matters of wine, cheese, and infidelity. The thought of French cafés filled with the din of intellectually bankrupt idealism, flailing gesticulations, pouting lower lips, and inferior espresso sans Gitanes makes me giggle.

The public smoking ban is being implemented in many countries and though I know this is for the good of mankind, it has taken away from public sights, one of my small indulgences. To Beaverboosh, a cheeky Marly light with a stiff cocktail is almost like good sex, with myself of course.

Thank the gods, I can still smoke on the roof top terrace of my London club. It is a long way from Oslo to go for a martini and a cigarette, but well worth it, and its décor reminds me of being in Marrakech, except in the winter when it is cold and wet when it reminds me of being in, uhm England.

I wonder if they have started smoking skunk in Soho. I doubt it. I cannot believe the Soho sophisti-cats would stoop to such suburban practices.



Johnada said...

I don't quite understand that "Run it up the flagpole" saying. I've never actually heard anyone say it. Your friend must have come from the part of America stuck in the 70s.

The libertarian part of me thinks private establishments should have the right to allow smoking to anyone who wants it. However, I must admit that I love coming home from the pub and being able to throw on the same jeans the next day.

As for smoking animals, I've always been a fan of smoking kittens and puppies myself.

nursemyra said...

"except on matters of wine, cheese and infidelity"

haha that's hilarious!

Zhu said...

As a French, I am, of course, very offended. Our cafés are a great place to think, have sex in the bathroom and think of future strikes and demonstrations to paralyze an already paralyzed country!

Okay okay...

I haven't experienced the "smoke free" France yet but it must be fun. Not that I mind, I'm used to smoke outside in Canada anyway!

We used to smoke banana peels as teens... didn't make us smarter nor high!

ian in hamburg said...

Since you mention London I can report with authority on that fair city. I caught a whiff of the ganja on at least three occasions, apparent quality ranging from fair-to-do to eye-watering. We didn't stumble over Amy as we forded that ditch near the tube stop undergoing renovations, though.

beaverboosh said...

johnada - he looked like Colonel Harland Sanders, we called him Uncle Buck... from Seattle... his great claim to fame was he was a ski instructor in the 70s. Gets my vote... followed us to the most depraved clubs in Soho with great aplomb… danced wearing his backpack… bless!
Smoking through your jeans eh!
Kittens and puppies… whoa!

nm – … but seriously, is there anything else redeeming about the French… except maybeee language and fashion?

Zhu – effin hell girl, lets find a café we can smoke in… and do other things too… no banana peels though, I am happy with Marlys or Gitanes!

Ian – the smells one inhales in most major cities today, I better understand the pictures! Good Winehouse avoidance strategy as she didn’t make it to the Grammys due to visa issues!

Gary said...

Dude- that American friend of yours in London? Are you SURE he didn't spend his teen years hanging around at the malt the 1950's??????

beaverboosh said...

Gary - now that you mention it, he was always taling about his pals Ritchie, Potsy and Ralph!

Anonymous said...

something redeeming about the french? hmm.... how about the Louvre?