Friday, March 21, 2008

Wankers Come Together

I came across this most stimulating piece in the American Wanker while in the sauna. What a mess!

Regular devotees of this blog will know of Beaverboosh’s keen interest in the Global Wanking Crisis, and I am sure this specimen will further arouse the interests of the most hardened bloggers.

Beaverboosh

Wankers Come Together

This week sees more turmoil in the wanking sector with conditions further softening as a result of the global wanking crisis. Wankers came together in the US to save one of the oldest independent Wall Street wanks, Bear Stearns. US Fed wankers lent a hand to wankers at JP Morgan to get a hold of the wank, founded in 1923.

Bear was forced to sell their wank off at a hugely discounted price of $2 a share to keep it afloat. Critics believe the Fed has dirtied its hands by getting involved in the rescue of the wank, and at minimum should have been more transparent as it appears the wank was handed to JP Morgan on a plate.

A US Treasury spokesman said, “The government is prepared to do what it takes to maintain the stability of our wanking system, in this case, offering a free hand seemed to be the best option.”

Clients were still coming to terms with the implications but are relieved that the wank is in a safe pair of hands. A large client of the wank said, “It is too early to say, but we will stiffen our resolve, in wanking it’s not good to bite the hand that feeds you.”

Many of the wank’s investors were said to have choked on hearing news of the deal though as one long term wanking investor said with some comfort, “One in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

Observers of the wanking sector were scathing about the huge bonuses Bear wanking chiefs had received earlier in the year. “It is not as if they are going to have to live hand to mouth,” cited a representative from the wanking watchdog.

Bear’s problems arose from its over-exposure to highly illiquid wanking instruments. The crunch dealt a huge blow to the wank last week when it was unable to meet its wanking obligations due to a liquidity shortage. A senior Bear wanker publicly admitted that matters got out of hand, “Our hands were tied and we just couldn’t come up with the goods.”

Wankers at JP Morgan and the Fed immediately pumped liquidity into the wank to restore confidence. “We now have a firm grasp on the wank and will be standing firmly behind it,” said a senior spokesman for the wank.

An industry spokesman claimed that this was the best outcome for all concerned but believes that wankers at JP Morgan will have their hands full.

Copyright © American Wanker 2008. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

13 comments:

nursemyra said...

I wonder if I've got any highly illiquid wanking instruments.....

beaverboosh said...

I think we would find a cache of them in the Gimcrack cellar...

beaverboosh said...

Ian in Hamburg deposited this one today on Global Wanking Crisis Continues...LOL...

I don't know why, but this post just popped into my RSS reader. A wank from the past! How refreshing.

Investors in the white gold are gushing with enthusiasm as they speculate that tensions in the wanking world will soon be relieved in one stroke by seed money from previously untapped sources. I'm investing in Kleenex futures.

Zhu said...

Man... you're such a wanker! :D

daisyfae said...

“What we are witnessing,” says Bill Gross of the bond manager Pimco, “is essentially the breakdown of our modern-day wanking system, a complex of leveraged lending so hard to understand that Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke required a face-to-face refresher course from hedge fund managers in mid-August.”

Yes. Kleenex and face wash are going to help with the liquidity problem...

beaverboosh said...

Ian - good option to take, your hedge is that it may end in tears for many.

Zhu - too right, of the professional variety.

daisyfae - yeah, when to comes to face to face refreshers... next it will be cheek to cheek...

upset waitress said...

Whatever. Lets talk about what the true meaning of today is. Candy. Happy Easter :)

Michele said...

Great post!

I see in the paper today that wankers at JP Morgen will have to come up with a bigger load of cash if they want to beat off stockholders who are more than a little blue over the original, low-ball offer. I think there will be a lot of frustration all around before any of us sees the climax of this story. This wanking is a very hard business.

beaverboosh said...

uw - sweet! Happy Easter!

michele - LOL! The new bid is unlikely to be firm enough for the most hardened shareholders!

Lord Likely said...

What a load of wank.

I mean that in the best way possible, of course. Indeed, you are to be commended for your services to wanking.

beaverboosh said...

Milord,
Coming from your most endowed, I am flush with embarrassment and do not deserve to be showered by such encomium.
Sincerely,
BB

kyknoord said...

I'm glad you raised this. Up until now, I only had an imperfect grasp of the situation, but now I know what to do to avoid shooting myself in the foot.

beaverboosh said...

Always glad to help improve one's aim!