Big Bang

This week sees one of the most interesting and long awaited science experiments in the advanced stages of testing. Geeks around the world are soiling their undergarments in anticipation of the results.

After two decades of planning and construction, the Large Hadron Collider (LHC), the biggest and most expensive experiment in the history of science, is up and running.

Its job it to answer the ultimate question: the meaning of life. This is similar to ‘Deep Thought’, Douglas Adams’s fictional supercomputer designed to answer the same question. Let us hope LHC’s answer is an improvement on ‘42’.

The LHC will throw particles towards each other at near the speed of light to study the effect of the impact of collision. The experiment is designed to replicate the beginning of our universe. By understanding what happens immediately following the Big Bang, scientists hope to better understand our origins by identifying the Higgs Boson, or "God particle".

Controversy is already afoot.

Professor Hawking, the renowned physicist has placed a $100 bet that the particle does not exist and continues to argue there are more interesting outcomes to be drawn from the LHC than its discovery.

We shall see.

I am taken back to my youth. I will never forget the day I discovered the secrets of the universe. I was bonking a couple of skinny girls behind the bike shed instead of attending my physics class.

I discovered that hurling my genital particles as fast as I could towards female genital particles that were being hurled at a similar velocity towards mine created cosmic results.

When the genital particles made contact at the right speed and position, a simultaneous explosion occurred. I had discovered the Big Bang.

At the very moment of this cataclysmic event, under a grey sky, wind billowing, as my lungs filled with the cool freshness of universal particles, I understood the secrets of the universe, for a nanosecond. The secrets escaped in my endorphin state, and I felt as if I must sleep, deeply and immediately.

From that time, I was on a mission to seek out female partners to recreate the results of the unplanned experiment. I yearned to have the secrets of the universe revealed to me again. After testing significant statistical samples of women, from around the world, and over varied intervals, I found but few with whom I could recreate the experiment successfully.

However, even with few, I repeated the experiment successfully over and over, and every time, the secrets were within my grasp for a nanosecond, but proved elusive, like water in the palm of my hand, and I would fall into the arms of Morpheus.

In the final analysis, I learned something of great and profound consequence. Female genital particles before, during and after the Big Bang behave differently to male genital particles and communicate different information to the female brain.

Some women hold the secrets of the universe.

My fellow men, seek these women out, but remember; they are not going to share the secrets with man, you will only ever catch a fleeting glimpse.

You will have to be content with that until the LHC results are in, if you are interested at all.

Beaverboosh