Friday, January 9, 2009


Steve Jobs did not give the annual key note address at the Macworld 2009 conference this week. He announced that he is suffering a hormone imbalance which has contributed to his dramatic weight loss over the past year. Poor soul, brain the size of a planet and a hormone imbalance. I bid him well soon.

I have the hormones of a teenager. I’ve never considered it an imbalance, but it has given me concern for thought, after another morning with an enduring titanium hard-on and a new blemish developing on my forehead above my left eye. My brain, well that’s another story.

I am now deeply concerned. I have an imbalance. In fact, I feel discombobulated. This seriously fucks with my aspirations for a Zen like existence, in harmony, in balance, aligned, and at one, with, whateverthefuck.

Despite the new year, and the hope it brings, it seems that imbalance is the new thing. It is a gripping epidemic, a contagion. Everything seems out of sorts.

I love a tight spread with a small gap as much as the next fellow. Unfortunately the markets look like a cheap whore with legs akimbo and a prolapsed flapper. Not as many jumping on for the ride. Plenty have already been seriously fucked and will think twice before coming back for seconds, but they will come back. I am an ardent capitalist, but recognise that whilst it lifts us out of poverty and has greatly contributed to man’s progress, it is less than perfect.

Israel has set off a record number of fireworks over Gaza in response to Hamas December fireworks on Israeli border towns. Unfortunately, there are many Palestinian civilian casualties. We all hope for a swift end to the carnage. I despair. I reflect on my own conflicts with enemies and hope that I can resolve them in under 2000 years, and without bloodshed.

Packing my groceries in my ‘not a plastic bag’ at the checkout, I am astounded at the number of plastic bags others employ. Anyone who has travelled Africa will attest to this disaster. Worse, we are killing our oceans with them. There are two separate assemblages of plastic bags floating around the world’s oceans, both the size of America. Plasticland. It is likely these will be settled as urban space becomes congested, hopefully by anarchists.

Russia has again thrown Europe into chaos in the midst of a big chill by suspending gas supplies through the Ukraine in a long standing dispute. Predictable, but unacceptable. They are blowing enough hot air to heat the planet, and it is clearly a renewable source, if they could just put it to good use.

And then there is Bernie Madoff. I mean really, it was all in his name. It is shocking that this level of fraud could take place in a predominantly institutional system. After the banking debacle, it is difficult to engender a modicum of trust to the system. That punters were fleeced is unfortunate. That major banks were fleeced is laughable. Thank god my own conscience is clean, though my long term memory does not function well.

Barack Obama will soon request an economic stimulus package of some $775 billion over a mere two years and optimistically hopes to hold the final figure under $1 trillion. But before we get lost in the policy details, let's pause to consider that number of $1 trillion. The human mind is not well equipped to fathom a number that large. A check for $1 trillion -- a million million dollars -- would have 12 zeros to the left of the decimal point. Homo sapiens hadn't evolved a trillion seconds ago: 31,546 years in the past, Neanderthals were still trying to make fire.

To address my imbalance, I undertake a deep yoga session, facing a panoramic view of the sun rising over the Oslo fjord. I find peace. I have again united my body and soul.

As for imbalances in other areas of the world: well, it is a relative perspective.



Mjohnson said...

I remember speaking to a friend’s Dad in 2000/01 about the war, you know The War, and saying nothing like that could ever happen again could it. He said yes and when it happens it happens very fast and you don’t see it coming. Next thing we know someone flies a plane into the World trade centre. My question seems so naive now. These days I’d be able to give you a fairly good argument that The War never even ended. In 2000 things felt like they were in balance, the biggest thing we worried about was the Millenium Bug, but they weren’t. It’s like we’re on a small ship and we’re rocking it from side to side, every time we reach the apex we think we’ve fixed it, the last thing we expect is the boat to start rocking to the other side, and then it does. Now I know why my Granny has an entire walk in cupboard of tinned food.

kyknoord said...

A fine start to the new year, in other words.

livingladolcevita said...

I got as far as the prolapsed flapper and my eyes fell out.

Bad boy.

daisyfae said...

you're just a big ol' sack of new year cheer! i'll drink a toast to 2009, and your morning wood! glad you're back! you've been missed!

nursemyra said...

yeah, I expect to see prolapsed flappers at the gimcrack - but not here!

good to have you back :-)

Anonymous said...

Thanks for cheering me up!

Shantanu said...

And we have our own local versions of these problems: Plastic bags killing cows who eat them along with stuff on the roadside; and of course, our own Madoff, the CEO of Satyam.

ian in hamburg said...

It's really too bad for all the charities that got ripped off in the Madoff scheme, but what really gets me is the rich people who obviously figured that those outsized returns his fund was promoting was due to his status as the insider's insider on Wall Street. Hey, everyone knows insider trading's the way to make the real bucks, right?

Michele said...

OMG, no wonder I weep publicly from time to time with no seeming reason. We're all screwed and the planet is going to hell. I fear that not even Obama can save us. I really must move to a place where the booze is cheaper, since clearly a lot of drinking is in order.

azahar said...

Yay yoga!

MikeTheWaiterDotCom said...

good, contemporary post. thanks! as for bernie madoff... he'll never spend a day in the clink. the russian mafia will get to him first!

beaverboosh said...

Mj - dude, expect the unexpected. I survive on contrarian instincts

kyk - quite

dolce - i am a bad boy and must be spanked

df - no change there eh, tusen takk, x

nm - those flappers are everywhere these days, many thanks, x

anony - you are welcome!

shantanu - yeah, looks ugly, greed is universal and not just american

ian - so it is alleged, but never proved oddly enough

michele - i've started drinking paint thinner smoothies

az - a life saver

mike - Welcome! Big Russian exposure eh? If not, maybe he will whack himself