Friday, June 12, 2009

Golf Head

I have led an outstanding life:
  • Prodigious child golfer with loving and ecouraging parents
  • World No. 1
  • 14 Major Wins, 67 PGA Tour Wins
  • A Swedish underwear model for a wife
  • Two lovely children
  • Global racial appeal
  • A million dollar smile
  • A jet, exotic properties and $80 million of sponsorship deals a year
  • A cheeky caddy named Steve…

… how great is my life.

As my plane touches down in rainy Bergen with an almighty thud, I am abruptly awoken. I come back to earth with a resounding thump. This is not my life, it is that Woods fellow.

This has happened before. I make a note to contact my doctor to change my medication.

If you don’t know your birdies from your bogeys, or are fed up with my blog:
Love Tiger or not, the kid is outstanding! Playing injured and in great pain, Tiger won a final day’s playoff against Rocco Mediate to capture last year’s US Open title. After surgery on his ALC and 8 months off, he has come back in a blaze of glory this year winning at Bay Hill (Palmer’s event) and the Memorial (Nicklaus’s event).

This is a truly awesome achievement for a golfer.

Alas, my own golf game unfortunately requires a bit more dedication and patience. Last year saw a few good rounds but I struggled with my own golf injury.

Having hooked a drive off the fairway, I found my ball sitting 15 yards behind a Y shaped tree in the deep rough. Like most amateur golfers, I did not hesitate to try to hit my ball between the branches of the tree in order to save a stroke.

Addressing the ball with a 4 iron, I gave a mighty whack only to have the ball hit the tree and come right back and nail me in the middle of my forehead. It all happened so fast. I was stunned.

The subsequent lump on my forehead grew to the size and shape of a small penis. My ears were ringing for days.

Thankfully I recovered, but I still cannot remember the names of some of my family members, and the period between 1986 and 1990 draws a complete blank.

Luckily, I got away with a bogey.

Good luck with this year’s US Open Tiger, and may the golf gods be with you.



ian in hamburg said...

You went three strokes over par on this post, Beave, but keep swinging that wood!

Anonymous said...

contact your physician indeed. those sorts of dreams are not pleasant to leave behind.... have him give you something that continues the illusion while awake!

dorothy said...

a lump the size of a small penis? i'm not so sure about the shape of that penis you have in mind

Anonymous said...

that reminds me of the time my ex husband got in the way of my then 8 year old son as he was swinging a club.

he copped it in the mouth and split his lips open. you can imagine the blood......

my husband needed to go to the hospital but all my son could say was "Can't I just finish this hole first dad?"

Shantanu said...

Aha, I now know why golf's the game to play. Thanks for the link! :)

RennyBA said...

I love golf too. The only game where a gentleman may ask the ladies; watch my ball(s)! :-)

Ja, turen til Budapest var fantastisk!

Anonymous said...

I played golf once...

Uncle Keith said...

I have a penis the size of a small lump.

beaverboosh said...

ian - whoa, a triple bogey, that’s blogging imitating life

df - sounds like the voice experience, can you recommend a prescription?

dorothy - there is an (poor) artist's rendition of the said lump now on the blog

nm - exactly, boys will be boys

shantanu - yeah, the golf totty is hot

renny - yeah, but you still can't ask them to lick your balls

cf - ... stick to curling dude

uk - hahaha, yambag city arizona

Rob said...

Hahahahaha! Great post! And thanks for the link to the porn site. Getting any commissions for that?

Sounds like I might play golf only marginally better than you. At least I haven't needed protective headgear yet.

As for this:

the period between 1986 and 1990 draws a complete blank

Might be due to something other than golf, eh?


beaverboosh said...

rob - playing a bit more tidy this year, no injuries, yet... as for 86-90, no comment! Happy golfing mate!