Friday, June 26, 2009

Smoking, Masturbating and Urinating

President Obama this week revealed he has not quite kicked his smoking habit following his signature on new anti-smoking legislation.

I love Obama! He’s one of the coolest guys on the planet, he is very human, and he smokes! Whoa!

Americans have vindicated themselves after eight of the darkest years of their mostly proud history. They have voted in a true leader, and a black one with Irish heritage to boot. Not since the Kennedy’s have the Obama’s of County Limerick had so much to be proud of, to be sure.

Obama claimed that he is not a daily smoker, or a constant smoker. He doesn’t smoke at home, or in front of the kids, but he occasionally ‘falls of the wagon’. He is 95% cured though!

He is an inspiration. I have always worked on the 80/20 rule when it comes to life, especially on the topic of moderation, but he has shown me there is room for improvement. 95% eh!

I consult my life coach to see how I can improve my performance. I am excited as we discuss how I can make ME better. We focus on 3 prioriy areas for improvement.

1. Smoking - I too like a cheeky marly, especially with a cocktail. To be fair, I could stop smoking but I would have to stop drinking. If I stopped drinking, my rate of masturbation would likely spike creating all sorts of health dangers.

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must only have 10 tabs a month! Doable! I have only smoked a couple of times in past months but with great intensity. At my SiL’s wedding, I consumed almost 2 packs in one night. I think I was eating them whole by the end of the evening. That was the past!

2. Masturbating - Mrs. BB and I have a passionate and abundant love life, but I have the hormones of a 17 year old and I live in a city with some of the most beautiful and playful women in the world. Not that I am ever tempted to stray, I am one woman man, but it is convenient to pop off to the bog and knock one out occasionally, especially in the summer caf├ęs after lots of drinking and smoking!

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must only apply the handbrake once a week! Man, this is a challenge. It 27C and the forecast is for sun, sun, sun. I might have to stay inside a bit more this summer and especially avoid the beaches.

3. Urinating - Like most boys, my aim is true, but terribly inaccurate. The collateral damage can be devastating, especially on the toilet seat and surrounds. Captain Winky has a mind of his own and squirts out in all manner of directions. I’ve never been known to talk out of both sides of my mouth, at the same time, but my Member of the House certainly has.

To hit a 95% cured rate, I must have a laser guidance device installed in my penis, you know like in those smart bombs. This will still be a tough performance target to hit. In the end, I decide on taking the box lunch at the Y approach and sit on the toilet to wee. Early trials are mixed. There are still a few misfires and I feel like a pansy, but I have reduced the swaying factor.

It is a breath of fresh air to find a leader who is inspiring, is alive, sets a great example for all, and is of my generation.

I just can’t believe how much Obama and I have in common. I guess many boys of our generation do.

Beaverboosh

12 comments:

azahar said...

I've never understood why men stand up to pee at home. There's absolutely no need for them to do so and it's a nasty messy habit.

nursemyra said...

"Captain Winky"?????

RennyBA said...

I like your open style and do understand your tendency in #2 since the heath is (really) on in Oslo right now ;-)

Btw1: I like Obama too :-)

Btw2: I think azahar has a good point.

Uncle Keith said...

Smoking is not a problem. I can easily reach 100% on that one.

Masturbating, wow, that will require a 12 step program, meaning my penis will have to be 12 steps away from my hands.

Urinating - my aim is true.

ian in hamburg said...

@azahar,
Because We Can!

OSLO said...

Saw a guy urinate in a field the other day while texting - this reminded me of it for some reason. My regards to Captain Winky :)

daisyfae said...

hmmm.... to get my cure rate to 95% for my worst vice? i'd have to give up seeing several gentlemen friends. fuck it...

Zhu said...

See, I could stop smoking but:

1) One, I would be betraying my French heritage
2) I would need another vice since I already don't drink

I will however attempt to stop when I will become the PM of Canada.

smith said...

Considering the long term benefits of smoking cessation such as low risk of succumbing to cancer, a significant reduction in mental stress, odorless breath et al, it is definitely necessary for you to start your quit smoking regimen as soon as possible. However, during the first few weeks, it may appear extremely difficult to get rid of this addiction, but as you consistently try to quit smoking for a certain period of time, your smoking cessation efforts would yield results.

TorAa said...

Well,
I remember when one of my sons asked me:
Papa, is life really this simple_
Fuck, work and teached your kids the same?

He was very young at that time

btw. Thanks for your comments to my ABC-Q

Michele said...

Mr. BB, your aspirations to follow in the footsteps of our esteemed President are admirable and, indeed, understandable. After all, he is A Great Man. But, dude, he is The President of the U.S.A. You are not. So, relax, man. I have an idea: show your respect for B.O. by totally abstaining from smoking, masturbating, and urinating in all directions only for the Fourth of July (our national holiday). Other than that, golly, fuck it. Unless you find sitting down comfortable. God knows I do.

beaverboosh said...

az - see ian's comments

nm - yes

renny - ja, I never lived anywhere with so many beatiful women

uk - 12 steps away eh, sounds painful

ian - exactly

oslo - urinating and texting eh, music festival behaviour. You got the captain's attention, he sends his regards

df - quite

zhu - genetic prediposition as a frenchwoman eh! I am backing you for pm

smith - welcome. you are absolutely right. thanks

toraa - they learn so early

michele - by gods, if there is one day i would be rampantly enagaged in all the aforementioned it is the 4th of july, i'll try your suggestion on his birthday, you know, as a sort of tribute. Sitting down has become very comfortable but has led to an increase in masturbation