Friday, June 19, 2009

Well Hung

Another morning of dehydrated brain pulsing numbness. This is the fourth this week. My tongue has swollen to twice its normal size. I have a bad case of the zaklys. You know, where your mouth tastes zakly like your ass. I am truly well hung. I am definitely maybe not going to drink tonight.

Monday night saw a return visit of AC/DC to Oslo at Valle Hovin stadium, an outdoor venue with a 40K capacity. That’s ten percent of the city’s population. I am always telling foreigners that Norwegians are a most beautiful and fit people. Walking into the stadium was the exception – it was one of the largest collections of ugliness I have ever witnessed. It was a freakin freak show.

My pals and I drowned ourselves in ale, played air guitar, and sang at the top of our lungs as an antidote to the gaggle of disfigurement. The show was outstanding, but left me both half deaf and ready to self induce vomiting as my alarm penetrated a deep barley haze at 5 am the next morning. I had a flight to catch. I had visions of my head hanging out of the window of the airport train laying large patches of elephant snot all of the way to the airport.

Tuesday night and it is Bolgen & Moi in Kristiansand. A long day of business continues and we decide on the 5 course tasting menu with wine accompaniment. I am desperate for a drink to smooth the edges. It is a warm summer night. I order a double G&T to start. I temporarily spiral into oblivion when the waiter tells me they have run out of gin. What kind of freakin restaurant runs out of gin in the middle of the summer?

The starter of scallops in pea pure with pancetta accompanied by a 2005 Montrachet takes me to heaven. Unfortunately 2 hours later and no main course, the endless banal business conversation, and I am jabbing a fork in my leg just to stay alert. I am back in hell. By the time the selection of cheese arrives I am ready to call in a code blue. There is one piece of cheese on my plate and I query the waiter about the selection. He reliably informs me there is a cheese selection and this is what he has selected for me. Right.

Wednesday night and I am back in Oslo having drinks with some new business associates. It is almost midnight and light out. It never gets dark here at this time of year and there are no obvious signals to stop drinking and go home, barring not being able to stand up, urinating down your leg, or passing out.

The restaurants and bars are heaving for summerfest. Everyone gets together with friends and parties in June before the country shuts down for the month of national holidays in July. If you include all of the partying people do before they take their holidays, where they continue partying, there are only two months of the year any work gets done in Norway. I still haven’t discovered when this is. Blink and you’ll miss it.

Thursday night is dinner with my old team of all star delivery bitches. We are at Aker Brygge, right next to the sea in the city centre. My energy levels are very low but rising quickly with the third bottle of Rose and all of the smutty girly talk at the table. Good girls can be so naughty some times.

I tell them of my week’s journey and that I have been well hung all week. They giggle. One of them looks at me provocatively and says that she always thought I was intellectually well hung. Tease! It is great to see them! They have all moved onto important well paying positions and I am delighted to have contributed to shaping their young graduate minds, mostly with invaluable advice on how to lose friends and alienate people.

I am looking forward to catching up with Mrs. BB tonight. She has been away on business this week and we shall reunite over a family dinner. It is seafood and champagne, one of our favourites. Mrs. BB is a champagne monster, so I do not think I am going to get off as lightly tonight as I plan. Oh well, she doesn’t mind when I am well hung. Boys are horniest when hung over.



Uncle Keith said...

I guess I'd take being intellectual well-hung, since I don't qualify for the usual version of well-hung.

Anonymous said...

I'll take both versions please

Anonymous said...

party for the month of june in preparation for holiday, holidays in july, then recovery for the month of august?

see you next summer... ["ow" in advance...]

Corinne said...

The only way to cure a bad hangover is to start over at step 1: order a drink, which I guess you've got down to a science! This makes me remember a two week bender in Thailand that left me thinking pukey-stomach was a natural state of being. Good luck with your recovery!

Michele said...

Brilliant post! LOL over AC/DC show description. Saw them in Oakland in the 90s---uber fun. Sympathies on the persistent headaches. I had my own case of the zaklys yesterday morning (red wine) but recovered in time for beers at 18.00. Drinking lots of water today in prep for tonight. Sheesh, if the Norwegian winters don't kill us, I guess the summers will. Good night and good luck!

Rob said...

Livin' life in the fast lane, eh BB?

I don't know how you do it. I could barely do that pace in my early 20's. But it does sound familiar as my first wife's family hailed originally from Norway.

The cure to hangovers is: Stop drinking (for a while) and get some sleep. Your body will thank you.

Vince Spence said...

"...desperate for a drink to smooth the edges."

Ah, I remember that feeling. It was miraculous how well, and how fast, it worked.

jinjir minjir said...

I am currently unemployed, but I have strong references from an array of professional fields.

I do not speak Norwegian but I have mastered 4 foreign languages (5 with the mother tongue, and 6 with the language of luv).

Any chance your company's looking for high-calibre individuals like myself? Or maybe I could work for you, so you can keep on hanging, sleeping, drinking, eating with Mrs BB (or other 'good girls' when she's on business trips)?

jinjir minjir said...

Did I mention that as a Greek I am good at business by default?

Try me, I will only make you proud(er).

Anonymous said...

A most enjoyable post! Ta, dude.

dorothy said...

sounds like an average week in cape town

Caroline said...

intellectually well hung? (wiping tears with back of hand) I never realized there was such a thing but now that you mention it.....

Patricia Hannigan said...

I love your writing. Really love it.

BTW, The physical version is over-rated... and a drink definitely smooths out the edges.

Shantanu said...

Lol! I loved the part about the cheese selection. What a scam. :)

beaverboosh said...

uk - and how well hung you are dude!

nm - go girl go, you deserve both!

df - aug - start planning for autumn break, level off (but don't dry out) til the build up to xmas. Get your arse over here neste år!

corinne - too right girl and thanks (the pukey stomach thing was kinda gross, i almost tossed)

michele - don't like water, fish fuck in it. yeah, it is survival of the fittest for sure

rob - totally, did not drink all winter (weekdays), in prep for summer and now making up for it

vince - hey dude, thank the gods it is only a memory!

jm - 'an array of professions' - i don't know anyone like that. most of my mates have 1 and they are rubbish at it. Send proposal

jm2 - i thought greeks were good at philosophy and sodomy?

az - bless and thanks girl

dorothy - i've always thought averages dangerous

caroline - yeah, i really think its cool

golfgirl - hey welcome golfgirl! I'm blushing, many thanks! Hey girl, you need to check the comments on Size Matters:

shantanu - i mean, can you belive it! cheeky monkey eh!