Wankers Come Together

I came across this most stimulating piece in the American Wanker while in the sauna. What a mess!

Regular devotees of this blog will know of Beaverboosh’s keen interest in the Global Wanking Crisis, and I am sure this specimen will further arouse the interests of the most hardened bloggers.

Beaverboosh

Wankers Come Together

This week sees more turmoil in the wanking sector with conditions further softening as a result of the global wanking crisis. Wankers came together in the US to save one of the oldest independent Wall Street wanks, Bear Stearns. US Fed wankers lent a hand to wankers at JP Morgan to get a hold of the wank, founded in 1923.

Bear was forced to sell their wank off at a hugely discounted price of $2 a share to keep it afloat. Critics believe the Fed has dirtied its hands by getting involved in the rescue of the wank, and at minimum should have been more transparent as it appears the wank was handed to JP Morgan on a plate.

A US Treasury spokesman said, “The government is prepared to do what it takes to maintain the stability of our wanking system, in this case, offering a free hand seemed to be the best option.”

Clients were still coming to terms with the implications but are relieved that the wank is in a safe pair of hands. A large client of the wank said, “It is too early to say, but we will stiffen our resolve, in wanking it’s not good to bite the hand that feeds you.”

Many of the wank’s investors were said to have choked on hearing news of the deal though as one long term wanking investor said with some comfort, “One in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

Observers of the wanking sector were scathing about the huge bonuses Bear wanking chiefs had received earlier in the year. “It is not as if they are going to have to live hand to mouth,” cited a representative from the wanking watchdog.

Bear’s problems arose from its over-exposure to highly illiquid wanking instruments. The crunch dealt a huge blow to the wank last week when it was unable to meet its wanking obligations due to a liquidity shortage. A senior Bear wanker publicly admitted that matters got out of hand, “Our hands were tied and we just couldn’t come up with the goods.”

Wankers at JP Morgan and the Fed immediately pumped liquidity into the wank to restore confidence. “We now have a firm grasp on the wank and will be standing firmly behind it,” said a senior spokesman for the wank.

An industry spokesman claimed that this was the best outcome for all concerned but believes that wankers at JP Morgan will have their hands full.

Copyright © American Wanker 2008. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.

Global Wanking Crisis Continues

Beaverboosh is always being asked about his views on current events that impact all of our lives. Many of you will have spent the last few months on the edge of your seats wondering whether the global wanking crisis will affect you. I believe this most excellent article from this month’s issue of the highly respected publication The Wanker gets a firm grasp on global wanking issues that could be a blow to many.

Beaverboosh

Global Wanking Crisis Continues

Wankers all around the world are still reeling from this summer’s big squeeze which resulted in a severe liquidity shortage. This week saw further resignations from high profile wankers in the US because of poor performance. The problem started in the sub-prime wanking sector in America and quickly spread across the world. America is home to the world’s largest number of wankers.

A leading global wanker believes we are only beginning to see the outcome of the crisis, “The past 5 years has seen the market awash with liquidity for which global wankers can take responsibility for having created both the huge appetite and the subsequent mess. This appears to have dried up overnight as a result of the squeeze.”

The squeeze has been at the top of central wanker’s agendas for months. In the summer, the US and European central wanks pumped liquidity into the market to ease the strain on wanks. Central wankers in the UK appeared to have “egg on their faces” as their failure to pump liquidity into the market backfired, leaving a high street wank in danger. The central wank pointed the finger at the wanking regulator and European wanking legislation for the cock-up. An industry watchdog said “it is a simple case of the left hand not knowing what the right hand is doing”, and is demanding a parliamentary enquiry.

In some countries like Canada, wankers are less exposed to the crisis as they have been historically more cautious of many American wanking practices, particularly those using instruments to achieve a high degree of leverage and illiquidity.

A leading Norwegian wanker went on record last week stating that there is no serious threat to liquidity in Norway and that wanking is safe, “it is unlikely we will see the same panic as in the UK where people were queuing at wanks creating further strains on deposits.”

The crisis is not likely to impact China as wanking is in its infancy, though it has grown rapidly as a result of industrial stimulation and a tight central wank policy. The World Wank believes that wanking is about to explode in China which is forecasting the largest wanking population on the planet by 2010, overtaking America.

No one really knows what the future of wanking holds as a result of the pressure. A US Fed governor put it with admirable honesty, “In formal terms, we don’t know where wanking has been, where it is now, or where it is going!”

Copyright © The Wanker 2007. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.