Wankers Come Together

I came across this most stimulating piece in the American Wanker while in the sauna. What a mess!

Regular devotees of this blog will know of Beaverboosh’s keen interest in the Global Wanking Crisis, and I am sure this specimen will further arouse the interests of the most hardened bloggers.

Beaverboosh

Wankers Come Together

This week sees more turmoil in the wanking sector with conditions further softening as a result of the global wanking crisis. Wankers came together in the US to save one of the oldest independent Wall Street wanks, Bear Stearns. US Fed wankers lent a hand to wankers at JP Morgan to get a hold of the wank, founded in 1923.

Bear was forced to sell their wank off at a hugely discounted price of $2 a share to keep it afloat. Critics believe the Fed has dirtied its hands by getting involved in the rescue of the wank, and at minimum should have been more transparent as it appears the wank was handed to JP Morgan on a plate.

A US Treasury spokesman said, “The government is prepared to do what it takes to maintain the stability of our wanking system, in this case, offering a free hand seemed to be the best option.”

Clients were still coming to terms with the implications but are relieved that the wank is in a safe pair of hands. A large client of the wank said, “It is too early to say, but we will stiffen our resolve, in wanking it’s not good to bite the hand that feeds you.”

Many of the wank’s investors were said to have choked on hearing news of the deal though as one long term wanking investor said with some comfort, “One in the hand is better than two in the bush.”

Observers of the wanking sector were scathing about the huge bonuses Bear wanking chiefs had received earlier in the year. “It is not as if they are going to have to live hand to mouth,” cited a representative from the wanking watchdog.

Bear’s problems arose from its over-exposure to highly illiquid wanking instruments. The crunch dealt a huge blow to the wank last week when it was unable to meet its wanking obligations due to a liquidity shortage. A senior Bear wanker publicly admitted that matters got out of hand, “Our hands were tied and we just couldn’t come up with the goods.”

Wankers at JP Morgan and the Fed immediately pumped liquidity into the wank to restore confidence. “We now have a firm grasp on the wank and will be standing firmly behind it,” said a senior spokesman for the wank.

An industry spokesman claimed that this was the best outcome for all concerned but believes that wankers at JP Morgan will have their hands full.

Copyright © American Wanker 2008. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission.