Friday, May 30, 2008

Party Like Porn Stars

It is Mrs. BBs birthday next month and I am planning this year’s celebration.

I immediately attend to the guest list:
  • Family
  • Best friends and their partners
  • Work chums
  • Fashion designers
  • Sports stars
  • Captains of industry
  • Actors
  • Foreign dignitaries
  • Musicians.

I hit the wall at work chums. I consider inviting Al Qaeda. I wish to break the global ice and promote a bit of mutual understanding through celebration. A reliable source tells me they have a habit of crashing parties. I scrap the idea and keep a low profile.

I turn my attention to the theme. I want something new, something fresh, something moist, something almost now but not then:

  • White party... soooo last year
  • Opera theme... too pretentious
  • School discos... too much Abba, all night
  • Nautical theme... too much rum, sodomy and lash
  • Hot dogs & sex toys... too girly, no fun for the boys
  • Vicars and tarts... too many tarts, not enough vicars
  • Dominatrix... just isn’t Mrs. BB’s thing
  • Circus circus... This is it. Fantastic!

Guests must come as circus performers and entertain each other taking turns in 1 of 3 rings. Brilliant! I will be the ring master, of course.

I phone Siegfried & Roy to source a big cat. There are a few heads I am keen to place in the beast’s mouth. They tell me to fuck off. They are busy grooming their pussies for a new show. Once finished, they will start grooming the cats.

Dwarf Tossing could be the thing, it is not illegal here. I am excited at the prospect of my guests tossing the little people. Instead of Velcro suits on sticky targets, we will chuck them in the fjord. They will be fished out like big game with dwarf bait. Cool!

Stumped again. There are few dwarfs in Norway and they are all booked. I consider using children but quickly scrap this idea. Children are a national treasure in Norway and I do not wish to attract the attention of the tabloids.

In desperation, I phone Guy Laliberté to beg for some last minute assistance. I ask if it is possible to borrow Cirque de Soleil for an evening. He is graceful in his apology. It will not be possible. They are doing another birthday that evening. He offers to send a few masks, some makeup, a hand puppet named Lucien, and a copy of the Dummies Guide to Contortion.

I don’t have the freakin time for this. Back to the drawing board.

Whatever the theme, one thing is for sure. We will party like porn stars.

Beaverboosh

11 comments:

Victoria said...

Never mind the circus theme, I've heard that porn stars party the BEST!

daisyfae said...

Ooooh! Porn Star Party Favors! Little baskets with disposable shavers, oxynol-9, fake fingernails and genetalia-shaped cookies!

Anonymous said...

Perhaps as an alternative to a delightful evening of Dwarf tossing (a personal fav) may I suggest a formal evening where the gentleman all come attired as their favorite in the buff performer from the Blue Man Group. Then in between courses of what I'm sure will be a fabulous meal the Blue fellas can entertain the women folk with impromptu sketches and stunts. As a musical accompaniment to this fine bash I suggest Celine Dion singing show tunes backed up by Thondheimsolistene.

As a topper to the evening the Blue fellas can further astound the ladies and go midnight bungee jumping off your local cliffs (forgot what y'all call them up there)

At the very least the photos of the festive occasion would provide a memorable addition to Mrs BB's birthday album and I'm sure any ensuing nightmares would pass quickly.

OSLO said...

What? No Bloggers on the guest list? Shame!

Johnada said...

I don't know what vicars or tarts are, so I can't comment on that. If you can't find dwarfs, I find tossing furniture is always fun. Admittedly, it has often gotten me in trouble with the mrs. so perhaps it would be better for your party than hers. Anyway, throwing a sofa off of a balcony is amazingly cathartic.

Zhu said...

You really pushed for the Dominatrix party, didn't you?

Joanne Rasmussen said...

For my birthday this year, I am thinking of having a 'white trash bash' the whole Jerry Springer thing, should be fun at least I dont have to buy a new outfit or touch up my roots and Paul (DH) will look fabulous in a string vest with his beer belly.

Shantanu said...

Sounds like much fun is in the offing...maybe, I ought to try gate-crashing myself. :)

beaverboosh said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
beaverboosh said...

victoria – heard? Sounds like the voice of experience!

daisyfae – …and Jelly Lube… LOL

anonymous – great suggestion but in Norway they would come as smurfs… local cliffs are still fjords (just with big mountains beside them)

oslo – no bloggers at mrs BB’s, suggest we focus on NO expat bloggers and have a summer piss up!

johnada – vicars and tarts is a home county classic in Blighty, men come as men of the cloth, women come as sluts, everyone drinks a lot, and well… Great suggestion on the furniture front, I have lined up a selection of IKEA designs for the job!

zhu – just what are you inferring young lady? Well, I was thinking about the ring master, the whip, the boots, and I got a bit carried away. No Nazi sex tryst like Max Mosley though!

joanne – We don’t really have white trash here, it’s either suburban middle class or chav

shantanu – just fly into Oslo and prick your ears up for the sounds of Abba, you’ll find us in a jiff

nursemyra said...

just go with rum, sodomy and the lash.....