Friday, June 13, 2008

Feet In Mouth

I am on business in deepest darkest Norway, the Christian bible belt. I have an important meeting with a new banker. My associate introduces me to the new banker and his colleague. A conversation ensues, in Norwegian, which I do not understand fully. My associate chuckles.

The new banker says, ‘they are laughing because I come from a small island that is famous because we do not drink alcohol and sex before marriage is not permitted.’

‘That’s interesting,’ I quip, ‘ where I come from we have as much sex before marriage as we can because once we get married we don’t get any so we drink a lot.’

He does not find this funny. My associate tries to keep a straight face and snorts an occasional chunk.

During pre dinner drinks with business associates a couple of weeks ago, I meet a lovely American who has been working in London for many years. His professional pedigree is world class. He is a grand old gentleman of the old school.

‘I just don’t get this online chat thing,’ he says, ‘I am ok with email and texting, but why would you not just phone someone to have a conversation instead of chatting online?’

‘I agree,’ and add, ‘except when I am in a sex chat room chatting online with some dirty little bitch from the suburbs.’

The whole room instantly goes silent and all eyes are fixed on me. I casually sip my whisky and move the conversation on to the commodity markets. An associate shakes his head and waggles the finger at me.

In a former life, I was in a colleague’s office for a morning coffee chat. She was gorgeous and talented and we were quite fond of each other, professionally of course. She stepped out of her office just as her phone rang. I answered it. It was her boss, a man whom she despised. A sexist mcp who was always making inappropriate remarks and salivating over her.

‘I am sorry Bill,’ I said, ‘she can't come to the phone right now, my cock is in her mouth,’ just as she walked back into the office.

My mouth is big enough to accommodate both feet. Unfortunately, like a pool ball, I cannot get them back out with medical help. Thankfully I went private many years ago.

Beaverboosh

13 comments:

daisyfae said...

you must be really good at what you do to keep working! THAT is the definition of fearless! (and i had no idea there was a "bible belt" in Norway! who knew?)

ian in hamburg said...

You could have made a brilliant recovery by clucking and squawking really loudly and yelling at her to spit out that fowl beast.

Joanne Rasmussen said...

Please tell where is the bible belt??? I would hate to get stuck there. You are so wicked btw!!

Uncle Keith said...

A man after my own heart! I used to have my own union rep on retainer.

Anonymous said...

I think perhaps the reason the whole room went silent was to make sure everyone could hear you just in case you mentioned the address of that quaint little chat room!

Zhu said...

Did you speak Norwegian? If you did, blame it on your bad vocabulary. If you didn't, blame it on the translation.

If you all spoke English, just blame it on their poor English.

Blame is the key here. :D

Gary said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. You're KILLIN' me!

beaverboosh said...

df - i am running out of places that will employ me (All Norwegians know)

ian - can't wait to try this out!

joanne - Kristiansand. Takes one to know one

uk - dude, lets go dutch on a top flight legal team. I'll see if Laslow is available

anon - www.dirtysuburbanbitches.com, look for Kristen, Anne Marie, Brit, Sofie, or Guro

zhu - nothing was lost in translation. I am the only one to blame

gary - i cannot face a murder wrap right now, pull it together man

Shantanu said...

Haha! And of course the reason chat is helpful is also because that 'dirty suburbian chick' may be an old hag and you wouldn't know. :)

beaverboosh said...

shantanu - i don't mind. They all know I am a bronzed adonis hung like the hanging gardens of babylon

Michele said...

Mr. BB, are you sure you're not English? I didn't know Canadians were so filthy and proud of it. Except for Alanis Morissette, of course. So fun. If I worked with people like you, I would actually look forward to going to work.

kyknoord said...

Lost in Translation II: Norway

beaverboosh said...

michele - too many years in London. If you can't have fun in the office eh!

kyknoord - yeah, but even more boring and without an Oscar!