Feet In Mouth

I am on business in deepest darkest Norway, the Christian bible belt. I have an important meeting with a new banker. My associate introduces me to the new banker and his colleague. A conversation ensues, in Norwegian, which I do not understand fully. My associate chuckles.

The new banker says, ‘they are laughing because I come from a small island that is famous because we do not drink alcohol and sex before marriage is not permitted.’

‘That’s interesting,’ I quip, ‘ where I come from we have as much sex before marriage as we can because once we get married we don’t get any so we drink a lot.’

He does not find this funny. My associate tries to keep a straight face and snorts an occasional chunk.

During pre dinner drinks with business associates a couple of weeks ago, I meet a lovely American who has been working in London for many years. His professional pedigree is world class. He is a grand old gentleman of the old school.

‘I just don’t get this online chat thing,’ he says, ‘I am ok with email and texting, but why would you not just phone someone to have a conversation instead of chatting online?’

‘I agree,’ and add, ‘except when I am in a sex chat room chatting online with some dirty little bitch from the suburbs.’

The whole room instantly goes silent and all eyes are fixed on me. I casually sip my whisky and move the conversation on to the commodity markets. An associate shakes his head and waggles the finger at me.

In a former life, I was in a colleague’s office for a morning coffee chat. She was gorgeous and talented and we were quite fond of each other, professionally of course. She stepped out of her office just as her phone rang. I answered it. It was her boss, a man whom she despised. A sexist mcp who was always making inappropriate remarks and salivating over her.

‘I am sorry Bill,’ I said, ‘she can't come to the phone right now, my cock is in her mouth,’ just as she walked back into the office.

My mouth is big enough to accommodate both feet. Unfortunately, like a pool ball, I cannot get them back out with medical help. Thankfully I went private many years ago.

Beaverboosh