Friday, August 15, 2008

Oh Canada

We are half way through the Olympics. I am so busy with work I have not seen any events and barely paid notice to the goings on, other than those reported in the media.

Two things have caught my attention 1) The outstanding performance of Michael Phelps 2) The poor performance of Canada – NO medals.

Phelps is truly outstanding. 6 record breaking gold medals in this Olympics and on his way to 7. 12 career Olympic gold medals to date. What a star. He is the leading light for all parents whom have children with ADD, and long arms.

Canada. Well!

Canadians have a rather over-inflated view of themselves at the best of times: a mutli-cultural democratic society, resilient neighbour to an imperial war monger, member of the G8, one of the world’s best standard of living by most surveys, populated by really nice ‘do gooders’ that say ‘eh’, and a lot of beavers.

Most of the world thinks otherwise. Nice, but really fucking boring... and mostly irrelevant on the world’s stage.

The Olympics expose an inconvenient truth about Canadians: we are rubbish at competing globally in sports, and in many other areas. With the exception of Canada’s treasured sport (ice) hockey, and possibly curling, we have a mixed international track record, and hockey ain’t even that great!

There is a simple reason for this. Canadians excel in other areas. We are all gifted in different ways:

Complaining : Canadians are world class complainers, particularly about the government. It is not long after arriving in Canada before you hear someone cursing the government, particularly the Federal variety.

Thriftiness : Canadians are world class cheapskates. We would travel for miles to purchase something at a discount price rather than be ripped off. Foreigners that shop in Canada understand this, most goods available are cheap, and often crap.

Dope Smoking: Canadians are world class dope smokers. By the time a large percentage of the population reaches the age of 25, half of the country's brain cells are fried.

Politeness : Canadians are polite on a universal scale, and not just with the please and thank yous. We believe we can solve global conflicts, war, hunger and poverty with politeness. Laudible, but naive and innefective.

When Canadian Ben Johnson was stripped of his gold medal for doping in Seoul, Canadians had to confront the truth albeit painful: he was Jamaican. As for home grown talent, we rely on hydroponic skunk, and Moosehead.



Joanne said...

Love it!! What about the South Africans! We are all walking around with our tails between our legs. All we hear is how useless we are. Apparently we spend 10% of the amount on our athletes that Oz does, and they are always our biggest competition.

Shantanu said...

Well, we are barely better. India got its first gold (ever) in an individual event!

nursemyra said...

I hear canadians are loons too :-)

Michele said...

Canada is a member of the G8? Golly, live and learn.

Anyway, BB, cheer up, it could be worse---you could be Norwegian. Oh, wait a minute... :-)

Anonymous said...

You forget the best adjective.... apathetic, which is interesting considering all the complaining but explainable given all the dope smoking.

Only one escape from Oh Canada....

Move to Norway, publish an amazing blog :-)

daisyfae said...

Mmmmmm.... "Hydroponic Skunkweed and Moosehead". It's whut's fer supper.... (not canadian, but close enough to the border to feel the love...)

donstuff said...

Canada has great actors and musicians... they just end up moving to the U.S. - a very subtle invasion!

Joao said...

I've been countig the pro's and con's about moving to norway. I lived in Finland for 1 year, so all about the really really bad food, the lack sun, lack of higiene, being cheap bastards is still vary alive in me. Actually is more like a trauma or whatever, anyway.......... news from Portugal:
Governement refunded my taxes and updated the amount i receive monthly for having a kid......11 € a month about 16 US bucks! I can now pay one tube of halibut cream to put on the kid's behind.
I'm runnig to Norway!!!

ian in hamburg said...

Well maple syrup and snow's what they export

They treat curling just like it's a real sport

- Canadian Idiot, by Weird Al.

Fear not, brave beaver, we have now picked up some medals since you wrote this. But is it true that Canada is the only country to host an olympic summer games and not win a gold medal? Maybe it's because in most of the country summer is two weeks of fish flies between 50 of heavy sledding.

kyknoord said...

What about permafrost? That's gotta count for something

beaverboosh said...

joanne – South Africans have tails? Sexy!

shantanu – doing well on the Michelin stars though?

nm - total effin loons!

michele - haha! too right. Norwegians are more interested in the G Spot than the G8

anonymous - haha, I am sure there are many better escapes from Oh Canada

df - girl you just got yourself a dinner invite, skin up

donstuff - welcome! You have uncovered our secret invasion plan... although it will take a million years…

jaoa - good luck dude. P.S. this blog is about Canada and the Olympics, Norway and taxes was a few weeks ago… do you have hydroponic skunk in Portugal

ian – pathetic eh! Worse than Norway on per capita medals... same as Norway for summer weather

kyk - yeah, i dated a lot of icicle princesses before I left... they deserve a grudging mention…

Joao said...

Of course we have skunk: hidroponic, form biological agriculture, you name it we got it. :) I supose 2 times a week someone get's busted for their agricultural qualities.
About the Olimpics, it seems your Canadian buddies have read this blog and are doing a lot better: 2 gold, 6 silver and 5 bronze. My best wishes for lumberjacking to be recognized as an olimpic sport in London 2012.

beaverboosh said...

joao - haha, lumberjacking! I'll keep my axe sharp

Ariel said...

Sheesh... got to agree about the thriftiness - you're a nation of cheapskates but so charming with it that you're easily forgiven! But the beaver as a national animal, I ask you... Look at your neighbours, they have the eagle, symbol of mastery that soars over the mountains and you have... a beaver, that cute little creature with huge teeth and a huge tail that gnaws at trees. Honestly! :-)

beaverboosh said...

ariel - welcome! yeah, that's about the size of it! We are a beaver loving nation

Michele said...

Hey Beaverboosh, another reason to be oh-so-proud of your Canadian heritage: you Canadians seem to understand that drugs are for people, not for horses. :-)

In any case, I wonder if you can begin a campaign to make masturbating an Olympic event?

beaverboosh said...

michele - too right. we don't dope our horses, just our women

as a wanker of olympic proportions I am certainly qualified, but I would need a hand. Are you up for it?