Friday, April 17, 2009

Driving With Uncle

Our friend’s 5 year old was in the car with me when I raced into a roundabout and was cutoff to my right.

I slammed on the brakes and was nearly rear ended by a woman driving behind me.

“Asshole”, I hissed in a mild rage.

“Uncle BB, what is an asshole”, asked the little fella, not getting the pronunciation of asshole quite right in his native Norwegian tongue.

“Well Oskar”, I replied, “I am a dick! I’m a reckless, arrogant, stupid dick. The woman behind me is a pussy. And the guy that cut me off is an asshole. Pussies don't like dicks, because pussies get fucked by dicks. But dicks also fuck assholes: assholes that just want to shit on everything. Pussies may think they can deal with assholes their way. But the only thing that can fuck an asshole is a dick, with some balls. The problem with dicks is: they fuck too much or fuck when it isn't appropriate - and it takes a pussy to show them that. But sometimes, pussies can be so full of shit that they become assholes themselves... because pussies are an inch and half away from assholes. I don't know much about this crazy, crazy world, but I do know this: If you don't let me fuck this asshole, we're going to have our dicks and pussies all covered in shit!”

Oskar stared blankly at me and said nothing.

I felt much better.

Thank the gods the little fella doesn’t understand English. Well, much English.



Caroline said...

Du vet at unger lærer fort?! Naughty Uncle BB!!

Anonymous said...

it makes 'em tough. or, it will come out in therapy when he's 21...

suicide_blond said...

i underestimated your mad language skillz... trumped only by your know "parenting" skillz

ps.. have you see that site
whythefuckdoyouhaveakid dot com


Anonymous said...

Can I get that on a bumper sticker?

American in Norway said...

You may be amazed at how much the "get" I remember the first time my 2 year old said FUCK... mommy was so proud! LOL

OSLO said...

I need to go lie down - totally overcome by your insight and eloquence.

American in Norway said...

I would probably be OK in the LAvvo (tee pee) if we were camping in Norway... but we will be in Germany & France... Nothing like annoucing to the world "We're HEEERE"

i will probably have to sleep in the car & pretend like I don't know the rest of the family... LOL

Anonymous said...

Reminds me of a quote I read the other day...

"You know that children are growing up when they start asking questions that have answers."

Lilly said...

HILARIOUS!!!!!! What an uncle you are BB. Yeah, the kid has taught everyone at shcool to say it now. HA HA.

Anonymous said...

It's the only way they'll learn, dammit.

kyknoord said...

Bravo. The only quotes I can remember are lame ones by Shakespeare.

kyknoord said...

P.S. Fuck yeah!

ian in hamburg said...

True confession time:

When I was four (!) I wrote FUCK in big, fat, black crayon on a long strip of paper.

My parents found it and royally freaked out.

Who taught you this? they yelled.

I pointed to my brother and said, He did!

Complete lie.

I'm glad he's forgotten the thrashing he took for that.

Jonny said...

My sons first fuck was also in the car... when he picked up the word I mean (he is now 4). My inlaws were also there to experience it... those precious moments!!

beaverboosh said...

caroline - ja, jeg tror jeg er en god lærer

df - or it come out in the bedroom at 40

suicide - ya, can't wait to be a dad.... whythefuck... hahaha a good larf

anon - ya sure, if you can find a big enough bumper. i work with woman who has an ass the size of a... i digress...

american in norway - 2, by gods, they are terrible at that age. are you sure it wasn't duck?

oslo - yes, i have that effect on people, sweet dreams of dancing dicks, purring pussies, and...

american in norway - hey girl, your boy has balls... shave your head, urinate down your trouser leg and smear elk fat on your face... you'll fit in fine

az - that is brilliant!

lilly - welcome! yes well sharing is caring

dolce - exactly, and a stint in prison

kyk - and thus I clothe my naked villany

kyk - p.s.s FUCK YEAH!
Coming again, to save the mother fucking day yeah

ian - evil little one. have you ever spoken to Gordon about this?

jonny - my first fuck was in a tent, i wouldn't go so far as saying it was precious but she liked in the outback

Zhu said...

I think it's great to take some special time to teach the little kid some useful English. Now, think of Jerry Springer show as support material. Just a thought from another great teacher ;)